Entering information overload
Having survived the Open Evening we
were keen to put our names down for the next stage of the process; a
full day course which would look more deeply into the journey that
adopters and adopted children take. Of course, that meant another
frustrating wait for the Orientation Day. Inevitably the next one
wasn’t until a few months hence.
When the day finally came we sat in
another hall which had clearly been decorated in a job lot with the
class rooms at the local comprehensive. Cosy and welcoming it was
not. This time the previous roomful had been winnowed down to about
30 or 40 people. Sitting in a couple of rough circles it was
difficult to work out what was to come next. As it turned out...
largely more of the same.
The overall agenda for the day seemed
to be the Open Evening writ large. Of course, that gave even more
scope for horror stories. Tales of the types of neglect and abuse
which looked after children may have suffered followed. Again, the
odd face around the room seemed to grow increasingly pale with the
descriptions. This was followed by a talk on the types of challenge
which an adoptive parent might face over the years of caring for and
healing a potentially damaged little soul. By now some of the people
sitting around the room were letting out little gulps and shifting
uncomfortably in their seats. I’m sure I heard the odd whimper...
After a brief lunch in the canteen we reconvened in the meeting room for the afternoon session. This kicked off with a description of the assessment process which prospective adopters can expect to go through. The sense of relief around the room at having to deal only with a description of the inevitable bureaucracy was palpable. A Question & Answer session allowed all of us to explore in more detail the particular elements or issues which had caught our attention or where we felt clarification might be helpful.
The final session presented a couple of
experienced adoptive parents giving a view on their own adoption
journeys. And, in hindsight it must be that they had been carefully
chosen for effect. Of course there was talk of the rewards of
parenthood but all the time tinged with a sense of underlying gloom
and struggle. One recounted the difficulties of bringing up their
adopted child after their marriage fell apart soon after the adoption
placement was completed and confirmed in the courts. The other talked
about their experiences dealing with complex court proceedings and
birth parents who were determined to fight the adoption at every
possible turn. Oh yes, and of course... just how rewarding parenthood
was...
After a short summing up the social
worker hosting the session said that we were all welcome to pick up a
formal application form to enter the assessment process. Once again,
many left the room as rapidly as possible without “passing Go” or
picking up either an application form or £200!
Not us though. Once again we found
ourselves with the same strange mixture of feelings ranging from a
shell-shocked, “Well, that was a bit full on!” to the
increasingly familiar feeling of “Yeah, we can do this. This is
right for us!” With a few nods, winks and hastily whispered words
between each other confirming that we were both still resolutely “in”
we wandered over to chat to the still milling social workers.
Thinking back on the introductory
sessions it soon became clear that they had a particular job to do
beyond JUST providing information on the adoption process. There must have been a carefully formulated whittling process going on. The horror stories
were there for a good purpose. “Caveat Emptor... This is a process
and a life you need to enter into eyes-open, aware and ready for the
worst-case scenarios. There are a lot of adopted children out there
who are going through painful healing processes. Kids where the
effects of their past lives are still being keenly felt in their new
lives. Sure there are many who are, for the most part, just ordinary
kids. But all adopted children will have things to deal with which
are beyond the normal life experience of most families. The prospect
of that isn’t for the faint hearted. It’s not for the dilettante
and it’s certainly not for those with an unrealistically romantic
view of parenthood (let alone adoptive parenthood!).
So many horror stories in such a short
period of time and, sure enough, around the room faces blanched at
the things being described. They were of course, worst-case scenarios
but there were certainly effective as a reality check for those in
the room. Good early checks of backbone, determination and
stickability.
Looking back it was no surprise that
there were over a hundred people at that first meeting, around thirty
or forty at the second meeting. When we finally started our
“Preparation Day” courses – the first REAL stage of the process
it was no surprise to see only 15 or so people sitting around us. The
determined ones. The process had clearly done its job so far.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Surprise, surprise, there was still plenty of process and bureaucracy
to service before that.
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