tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89346551910166618222024-02-07T05:32:29.818+00:00A journey into adoptionA blog which charts our journey through the adoption process. The ups and downs, the process and the pondering, the self-exploration and the anticipation.
Hopefully these jottings will be a reassurance, and perhaps be a little enlightening, to others considering this particular journey or making their way through it themselves.AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-36928394423785323522014-05-26T00:00:00.000+01:002014-05-26T00:00:03.626+01:00An Aside: Privates on Parade - balancing confidentiality and openness in the adoption blogosphere...<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/100.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="100" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-2837" src="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/100-300x200.jpg" height="200" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Photo: The Adoption Social</i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Privates on Parade - balancing confidentiality and openness in the adoption blogosphere...</span></h2>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">This article was first posted a few weeks ago on the fabulous blog: <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/" target="_blank"><i>The Adoption Social</i></a>
. The Adoption Social is a great place to browse for invaluable
information about adoption and fostering, to read other blogs about
these issues, to enter discussions into topics which concern many
adopters and to just hang out online. It publishes new content every day
and is one of the websites I keep coming back to on a regular basis.</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">Run
by two blogging adopters it really is a forum for adopters and by
adopter. Check it out and participate in one of their Link Ups... </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: maroon;">A piece from <a href="http://adoptionjourneyblog.blogspot.co.uk/">Adoption Journey </a>on the need for adopters to consider privacy in social media.</span></b></span></span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A few weeks ago I was reading the paper in my lunch break. Towards
the middle was one of those heart warming human interest stories. An
adult who had been adopted as a very young child had set out on a search
for her birth mother and had finally found her using Facebook. A
reunion ensued and so did a happy ending. They were now back in regular
contact and building a new relationship. Who couldn’t fail to have their
heart touched by such a lovely tale? Well, me for a start because, as I
read it, the uplifting story was tinged with a shiver which went down
my spine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This did seem to be a truly happy ending as far as the story told and
the child’s adoptive parents had supported the search from start to
finish. But do newspapers always tell the full story? As I recall, in
the newspaper story the child had been relinquished by her mother, some
twenty five or thirty years ago. The implication was that economic
circumstances and family pressure had led to the child entering the care
system.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">However,
for the children who are being adopted in the UK today that is the most
unusual of circumstances. These days relinquishments are rare, with
most children who end up being adopted entering the system because of
some form of serious neglect or abuse – or at least the pressing need
for action to prevent it. It is interesting reading the blogs which link
up every week on The Adoption Social and contrasting the transatlantic
experiences of adoption bloggers.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Those blogs which I read from the States largely seem to feature open
adoptions through voluntary relinquishment. The circumstances portrayed
so vividly in the film Juno. When I watched that film a few years ago,
as well as marvelling at the stunning performance given by Ellen Page in
the lead role, the scenario seemed quaint. Now, a few years later and
absorbed in the a world of UK adoption it seems foreign.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: maroon;">Were that film to be transplanted into a UK setting it would not only be be quaint. It would be illegal.</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The upshot of these rambling musings is that, in the UK and for those
children adopted elsewhere from foster care, there may be real reasons
why first hand contact with birth parents could be very undesirable for
adopted children. And yet here we are, writing about our adoption
experiences in the most public and connected of public arenas. How,
then, to balance the need for the security of our children with a desire
to be open and inclusive about our experiences?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For me, the decision to start blogging came only after the deepest of
consideration and discussion with my wife. We were both concerned at
whether it could threaten the security of our child. Whether it would
pose a risk either now or in the future. Whether we were content that
the risks (real, perceived or imagined) could be sufficiently minimised
and managed.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There are very good reasons why contact between adoptive and birth
parents is carefully managed, anonymous and confidential. And across
many of the blogs which I read on a weekly basis it is clear that
precautions to preserve anonymity have been taken. Many of the UK blogs
written by UK adopters are presented under pseudonyms (like “The One
Hand Man”, whose blog states that Andrew McDougall is a fictional
construct for blogging purposes). Others are content to go on a first
name only basis like our very own Vicky and Sarah at The Adoption Social
(presuming, of course, that those are their real names). Still others
adopt internet handles based on the names of their blogs, like Suddenly
Mummy or 3 Bees and a Honey’s “Honey Mummy”.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: maroon;"><b>But is this all unnecessary paranoia? Are there really clear and present dangers out there for open and inclusive adopters.</b> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Certainly my heart sinks when I see a new blog where the first
posting runs something along the lines of: “Hi! We’re Danny and Danielle
Donaldson. This blog is to chart our journey as we are about to start
an adventure into the wonderful, wide world of adoption. We’re an
administrator at St Botolphs hospital in Cheam and a chartered
accountant with Bloggins and Bloggins in Cricklewood and live in the
Orchard Cottage in the lovely village of Nether Walloping Under Stress…”
Given the search capabilities of social media etc that degree of online
openness is probably inadvisable at the best of times – let alone in
the adoption world. A little anecdote should illustrate this. A few
years ago, well before we started the adoption process, our church began
supporting a community project in the Philippines through an aid
charity. As part of this we signed up to sponsor a little 3 year old
boy. We got some basic info on him and sent off our first sponsors
letter introducing ourselves, including a photo. A few months later we
received a lovely letter in response… As sponsors do. However, a few
weeks after that I also received a friend request on Facebook. It was
from his mum. Now, there wasn’t a negative outcome to this. There were
no begging letters, inappropriate requests or emotional blackmail.
However, it does go to illustrate just how unbelievably connected the
world we live in is. With social media, websites like 192.com or the Way
Back Machine and a million and one different ways to build up a profile
online (wittingly or unwittingly) we are each more discoverable now
than we ever have been. There is an old (well, in internet terms anyway)
maxim… “Once it’s online, it’s online forever.”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: maroon;">I certainly know that I have inadvertently built myself up a healthy web profile without even trying.</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A career in the public facing side of the public
sector means that my name and work details have ended up on public
documents, online contact lists and so forth. I have presented at
conferences which has lead to my CV, my picture (and on one case, video
of me) being posted online. I have participated in online discussion
forums and left product reviews on websites… much of this long before I
had ever considered that one day adoption might be something I would
pursue.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So do I believe that I can achieve perfect control over information
about me and my son? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean that we
shouldn’t be circumspect on the internet. It is a likelihood that
someday my child may search for his birth parents. However, when it
happens it would like it to be because he has decided to and, hopefully,
he will decide to include us in that process. What I don’t want is for
some online carelessness to lead his birth parents to contact him
surreptitiously at a point where he is not ready for that contact. While
I continue to blog about our journey it is my responsibility to ensure
that our openness does not compromise our privacy. This remains a
concern both now and for the future. Although, as far as we know his
birth parents are relatively benign (in terms of immediate risk that
they pose) that does not go for all birth parents. Many could be quite
the opposite. But what about extended families? What of the birth
parents’ attitudes, associations and situation in the future? There are
so many uncertainties.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: maroon;">The nature and character of
birth parents is something which must be factored into our stance as
members of the online community.</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Not quite the same, but we have some really good friends who went
through adoption in the same local authority as us. We don’t see them so
much these days though. While their final adoption order was being
processed a clerical error was discovered which meant that their court
correspondence had been sent to their children’s birth parents.
Including their address. The details of their case meant that now they
don’t live in the same local authority area as us. In fact they don’t
live in the same region of the country!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Social media in particular is a concern for many adopters. It is
there to make the connection between disparate people easier. I know it
is a big concern for our Local Authority who run regular post-approval
courses on the internet, social media and ensuring the privacy and
security of your adoptive placement.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So as a blogger, how can we balance that openness and privacy. Each
will need to come to their own conclusions on that. However, here are a
few thoughts which you might like to consider in starting to blog…</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: maroon;">Identity:</span></b>
maintaining anonymity can be important. Both for you and your child.
Consider how best to do that. There are many ways to approach this.
Pseudonyms and internet “handles”. Consider creating a new, blogging
specific email address which is separate from your personal email
address. If you also run other non-related blogs for other reasons and
other interests then run them from a separate email and login.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is all particularly important if you are in a web-based sector
where you will already have been working hard to build up a broad and
active internet presence. On the other hand, if your other online
business/activities are directly adoption related you may wish to be
more open and create direct links with blogs on your own personal
journey. However, the degree of your internet presence should be a
conscious decision, weighing up the positives and negatives, the risks
and advantages. It shouldn’t be something you allow to happen unawares
and by accident.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: maroon;"><b>Photographs:</b></span>
they say that a picture can tell a thousand words. On that basis they
need to be treated with care. We have taken a personal decision that we
will post no photos of our child on the internet, whether this is on
blogs, on Facebook… Wherever. We have asked friends to respect this wish
too. We have even been very careful about the way in which we have
distributed photos by e-mail. Our Facebook privacy settings – in
particular image settings – are set as tightly as possible.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">With the development of facial recognition software over recent years
and the ability of Google Images to search from source photos, allowing
it to search for similar photos online, this seems like a reasonable
precaution. It is worth remembering that maxim about the indelible
nature of internet information. The truth is out there, in pixelated
form. After all, we have met our little boy’s birth parents so they know
what we look like. Furthermore, with each contact letter we have
included photographs of our little boy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Different bloggers take different approaches to image control. We
have gone for a harder “no photos at all” line. Some use photos which
have been anonymised using black letter boxes or pixelation. Others post
only “back of the head” shots… Again, it is for each to decide what
works for them.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: maroon;"><b>Details:</b> </span>Of
course, it’s not just your online identity which can identify you. The
content of your blogging can give more information than perhaps you
would like. We talk about our lives and our experiences when we blog.
For us, in particular, our blog tells the story of our journey through
adoption – real, identifiable events populated by real identifiable
people. How one decides to obfuscate and obscure leads into a grey world
between facts and fiction. Every blogger will need to work out where
their thresholds lie. How much information can one change without
compromise the authenticity of your account. For me personally, I have
tried to retain as much openness and authenticity as possible. The
principle I quote in the introduction of my blog recalls the old ’60s
cop show, Dragnet, which stated at the beginning of every episode that
the stories in the programme were true, ‘…only the names have been
changed to protect the innocent…” However, maintaining our online
anonymity still requires some careful drafting.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: maroon;"><b>A few final thoughts…</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Setting down these thoughts in writing has been an interesting
exercise. Reading the words back, it would be so easy to see me as some
sort of Luddite conspiracy theorist, holed up in a bunker somewhere in
the wilds and distrustful of a world which is clearly out to get me.
Ironically, it’s quite the opposite. I love openness and the connection
that they internet can bring. Sure, my Facebook privacy settings err on
the more security conscious but that is partly driven by my still recent
position as an adopter. I still share photos and thoughts on there. It
is just that nońe of them explicitly reveal the identity of my little
boy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Whatever, there will be a balance to be struck. Some will opt for a
stricter, more private stance. Some will simply opt out of online life
altogether for this reason. Others will retain an open and discursive
stance in terms of the details they are willing to share about their
lives and their identities. Many, perhaps most, will lie somewhere
in-between. I think that my only hope is that if they do then they do so
in an informed and conscious manner – aware of the risks which their
openness entails and willing to accept them.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: maroon;">It would be very interesting to
hear about how you have considered and dealt with the issues raised in
this blog. Please feel free to leave a comment in response.</span></b></span></div>
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<footer class="entry-meta"><i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This entry was posted on The Adoption Social in <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/category/blogless-blogging/" rel="category tag" title="View all posts in The Blog">The Blog</a> and tagged <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/tag/adoption/" rel="tag">adoption</a>, <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/tag/blogging-2/" rel="tag">blogging</a>, <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/tag/facebook/" rel="tag">facebook</a>, <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/tag/privacy/" rel="tag">privacy</a>, <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/tag/privacy-settings/" rel="tag">privacy settings</a>, <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/tag/social-media/" rel="tag">social media</a> on <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/blogless-blogging/privates-on-parade-balancing-confidentiality-and-openness-in-the-adoption-blogosphere/" rel="bookmark" title="12:01 am"><time class="entry-date" datetime="2014-05-06T00:01:03+00:00">May 6, 2014</time></a>. </span></i></footer></div>
AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-10071529152275305912014-05-19T00:00:00.000+01:002014-05-20T14:35:40.751+01:00Chapter 42 - Matching: Meeting Our Little Man (momentarily)...<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJk-nuAJDkPp5I2dh0kyGKdrGYoFXwZnA7qxV7vOOve70NASQYmQMMCKfdzkwkLGo2G5ZTapDthzL5tKvxX5Rqh8mrJpRuLUgIbCkZl2cxVpbkIKWgTkt-TkwgfT_jMkT9kOcCHDlAQo/s1600/hello+baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJk-nuAJDkPp5I2dh0kyGKdrGYoFXwZnA7qxV7vOOve70NASQYmQMMCKfdzkwkLGo2G5ZTapDthzL5tKvxX5Rqh8mrJpRuLUgIbCkZl2cxVpbkIKWgTkt-TkwgfT_jMkT9kOcCHDlAQo/s1600/hello+baby.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">NEVER THE SAME AGAIN...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The day had finally come for out "fly by" visit to the foster carers to see the little boy who might one day soon be our son. We were aware of the rules... LOOK, DON'T TOUCH! However, it was still an amazing opportunity to start to get a feel for who this little boy actually was. Up to now we had only seen some photos of him. It seemed that our authority didn't do the videos of children which others seemingly do. Or perhaps that was just for the more difficult to place children where there was the possibility of out of county adoption? Or maybe we just never saw them? Either way, it felt like a unique opportunity.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We would actually get to see (we were pretty sure of this at the time) our son-to-be!</span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There were butterflies in our stomachs as we sat in the car a short way down the street from the foster carers' house. Since they lived at the far perimeter of the county from us and the road to their house included a couple of notorious black spots and bottlenecks we had left plenty of time. About half an hour's too much plenty of time. There's only so much small talk you can make at a time like this. Our anticipation had almost reached fever pitch when we saw Denise's car pull up a short distance away. She had barely switched off her engine and finished gathering her stuff together when she looked up and there we were standing next to her car with looks on our faces like eager puppies. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMlsoLf1slXrtX2g9a6NZMbFMqphdnPFAlmjTi-n3NpZ7QLnRWNdaoaA3uqn3N6z9vXAvDrAkEKhXXPjbz7zgJTexX9NRr7Yzo2WIEiKGUJLsnfkhkkuyH6nVQ3B__W_3CTtcgnaQKKGA/s1600/butterflies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMlsoLf1slXrtX2g9a6NZMbFMqphdnPFAlmjTi-n3NpZ7QLnRWNdaoaA3uqn3N6z9vXAvDrAkEKhXXPjbz7zgJTexX9NRr7Yzo2WIEiKGUJLsnfkhkkuyH6nVQ3B__W_3CTtcgnaQKKGA/s1600/butterflies.jpg" height="320" width="305" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Denise went through a final briefing laying out the strict ground rules. In these post-adoption reform days of adoption activity parties, online browsing of profiles and so on it seemed a little prudish. Almost quaint. However, the philosophy was sound. There were still no certainties. The match might not proceed. There should be nothing that could raise false hopes in these little minds. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Although we had been approved for up to two children up to five years of age we were so glad, at this moment, that the age of the child which we had been linked to meant that there was the chance for a more intimate, more close up meeting. Right now, hanging around in a park seemed so distant and cold.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was with some trepidation that we followed Denise up the garden path. The door opened and a woman only a few years older than us proffered us into the hall. Her husband appeared in the living room doorway - clearly they were as keen to check us out as we were to see a certain little boy. Denise ushered us into the living room and stationed us on the sofa while the woman peeled off into the kitchen with coffee and tea orders. A few minutes later introductions had been made and Mike and Molly were staring intently at us while we exchanged some awkward pleasantries.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Our attention, however, was drawn away from the conversation towards a little figure who was toddling around the room, clinging onto any furniture of the appropriate height and wobbling across the void to the next thing he could steady himself against. To say we were a little distracted would be an understatement of monumental proportions. Before too long my wife asked Molly if she could show her where the loo was and was ushered away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As she left it became clear that Mike had reached his own personal limit of restrained polite conversation. Suddenly he blurted out, "Oh, this is no good at all!" And stood up. Briskly he picked up the little boy under the armpits and deposited him on the other side of a patio door in a conservatory-come-play room. While I exchanged a puzzled look with Denise I felt a firm but gentle hand on my upper arm encouraging me to stand up. "Come on," Mike's voice said and ushered me into the play room too. "You need to get to know each other." Within the space of a second I watched a world of different thoughts and emotions flit across Denise's face. Almost imperceptible movements in her mouth, eyes, eyebrows and brow transitioned from WHAT!!?!? to IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? to OH HECK, YES IT IS! to NO IT CAN'T! to WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THIS WITHOUT MAKING A HUGE, AWKWARD SCENE THAT SPOILS EVERYTHING? to I AM SO FIRED IF ANYONE FINDS OUT! to WELL IF I DON'T TELL ANYONE... to TOO LATE NOW to AWW, WHAT HARM CAN IT DO? It was all so quick that I barely had time to react. I'm guessing that my face was a similar mixture of questions and emotions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And then a few seconds later I was down on my knees in the conservatory playing with a set of stacking cups, rolling balls back and forth and watching the little boy tidying things in and out of the toys racks next to the door. After a couple of seconds of thinking "I really shouldn't be doing this..." any inhibitions had been abandoned and I genuinely couldn't have been happier. Whether or not he had made any connection with me I was absolutely convinced that my heart was irrevocably set on being a Daddy to this beautiful little boy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I looked up when I heard my wife come back into the living room. She was standing stock still in front of the door, looking at me open mouthed. Her facial features were also busy rearranging themselves. They had just reached OH NO, WHAT IS HE DOING? and WE ARE NOW SO COMPLETELY UN-APPROVED AS PROSPECTIVE ADOPTERS... when she, too, felt Mike's hand firmly on her upper arm as she was also guided into the conservatory. Denise allowed herself a resigned shrug and sigh.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After a while playing together with the little one I got up on the pretext of getting my hitherto untouched cup of coffee, leaving my wife to have a little one to one time. It also allowed me the chance to continue chatting to the foster carers; starting to work through the endless list of questions which we had about this little boy, his background and his life. Mike was leaning against the door frame with a slightly self-satisfied look on his face and an expression of "They're OK. I'm happy about this arrangement."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After a few minutes the centre of all attention decided that the living room was much more interesting and cruised along any handy bits of furniture until he flumped head first into Molly's lap. We followed and got back into conversation with the foster carers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The hour which we spent at their house seemed to fly by in a few seconds and it was in a slight daze that we said our goodbyes' having swapped contact details. The little one toddled over and clung onto Molly's leg as we stood at the door. We could hardly believe that in a few weeks he might be doing the same to us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As we stood next to Denise's car she turned to us and said, "Well?" We both gabbled out some apologies about not knowing what to do, being taken by surprise and not wanting to make a scene. She just smiled. "No," she said, "what did you think of him?" The fact that we were both fighting back floods, of tears probably said it all. "I don't want to put words in your mouth," she said with a cheeky grin, "but I'm guessing that you still want to proceed?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What followed was largely incoherent mumbling, shuffling, nodding of heads and hugging. It seemed like all those years of hoping and waiting had suddenly been released in that one moment. For both of us it wasn't panel, the start of intros, the handover day or the granting of the adoption order that marked the moment when this little boy became our son. It was there, standing on a pavement in a suburb of an average little town that our we became parents. At that point our hearts, minds, souls and futures were irrevocably intertwined with this little boy. No matter what the paperwork might say... from that moment on he was our son and we were his mummy daddy.</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-44639004459399539142014-05-17T00:08:00.002+01:002014-05-17T00:19:20.005+01:00An aside: Music was my first love...<h2 class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVV7a6gX9xFyDbknqUbojuCLbbxGSXEEKcYVWHi0irhYdSQ4OoE835Y0lBaxUPkQrmaQq9Vp06IAd1s5VtQS-FWjjLplPie6QRG3o6oWIFQECnY8nuze6Eh_A9IIAMQwfwPOAu5m1afgk/s1600/record-player.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVV7a6gX9xFyDbknqUbojuCLbbxGSXEEKcYVWHi0irhYdSQ4OoE835Y0lBaxUPkQrmaQq9Vp06IAd1s5VtQS-FWjjLplPie6QRG3o6oWIFQECnY8nuze6Eh_A9IIAMQwfwPOAu5m1afgk/s1600/record-player.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">TALK ABOUT, MMMM, POP MUSIC!</span></h2>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This blog is written as a contribution to the Music themed Weekly Adoption Shout Out at the <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/" target="_blank">Adoption Social website</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"<i>Music was my first love</i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And it will be my last</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Music of the future</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And music of the past</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">To live without my music </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Would be impossible to do</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For in this world of troubles</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>My music pulls me through...</i>"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">OK, fair enough, it may be a bit of gloriously overblown 70s prog bobbins from the team behind the Alan Parsons Project but the lyrics of this kitsch classic pretty much serve as a manifesto for my life. Sure, it may not be my <i>first</i> love... my lovely wife, my gorgeous little boy, my faith... they sit in pole position. But it is true to say that music gives them a pretty good run for the top spot!. Music has always been incredibly important to me. In my teenage years it was a comfort in hard times, a refuge and an inspiration.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Growing up, all my hobbies and social activities seemed to revolve
around music of one sort or other. Singing in school or church choirs, strumming an acoustic guitar, haunting the LP racks in our local WH Smiths or hogging the record player at the Youth Club... Music was always in there during my formative years. So, it’s hardly surprising that, for instance, one
of many cherished memories of intros with our little boy is a musical
one. On one of our first solo flights (out to do some shopping and then
on to the play park) Thin Lizzy’s <i>Waiting for an Alibi</i> came on
the car stereo. As the twin lead guitars faded out at the end of the
song a tiny voice piped up from the back of the car “More! More!”
accompanied by the sound of two tiny hands clapping enthusiastically.
That’s my boy! Fast forward a couple of years and we have ensured that
music is a central part of our little one’s life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I guess that my love of music is partly genetic (some sort of natural aptitude or inclination) but partly upbringing. Not parental though... my dad liked both types of music - country AND western but always of the light and cheesy variety. More Jim Reeves than Hank Williams. For mum it was easy listening crooners like Val Doonican. However, my position in the family as the, ahem, little afterthought separated from the others by almost a decade meant that I was well placed to inherit musical influences (and cast off records) from them. From my sister it was 60s pop and Motown. And happily I also inherited an old Dansette record player from her when she moved out to get married when I was only about 6 years old. From my oldest brother it was singer-songwriters, the Beatles, Elton John and classical music and from my other brother it was the Stones, Deep Purple, the Eagles and the Doobie Brothers. Over the years I branched out into prog rock, funk, folk and jazz for myself. Now my musical tastes are wide ranging, eclectic and very very deeply embedded. However, I am still an old rocker at heart and I will always love Thin Lizzy and the Electric Light Orchestra.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And that is why it is such a joy for me that from the very start our little boy loved music and responded so much to it. Now it is a part of the fabric of our everyday lives. Whether it is being told to get up off the sofa so we can sing along and dance around the living room to the theme tune to the Octonauts or Numtums, whether it is being told to turn the music up in the car (much to mummy's long-suffering forbearance), whether it is bouncing around to the worship music while daddy plays guitar at church, whether it is stopping halfway through lunch for an impromptu dinner-table disco... it is a constant joy that this particular little boy has been placed at the centre of our lives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I have read blogs about how some adopted children have had almost physically adverse reactions to music. Pretty much to the point of being unable to abide its very presence in any form. I can't imagine how hard that would be for me to cope with. Music has always been the soundtrack not only to my life but to my waking hours. That my child and the light of my life shares this passion and has that passion written into the very fabric of his character, is the cherry on top of the sprinkles on top of the icing on the cake.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Some of my happiest childhood memories are sitting on my bed at the age of 7 or 8 singing along while my eldest brother played Beatles songs on his beat up nylon strung acoustic. I am so enjoying and looking forward to, day by day, building those memories with my son.</span><br />
<br />AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-59770246736032233582014-05-14T00:30:00.000+01:002014-05-14T00:30:00.303+01:00Chapter 41 - Matching: Meetings - Momentous and Mundane...<div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">DOTTING EVERY "I" AND CROSSING EVERY "T"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well, a good number of the hurdles had been successfully leaped. We were pretty sure that the grumpy little boy staring our of the front page of the CPR form was the one for us. His social workers were pretty sure that we could be the parents for him. There were still things to work out and we would be seeking to dot every "I" and cross every "T" in the paperwork. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We now felt that we were sufficiently far down the road that we could start telling people. We had, up to this point been pretty protective of ourselves and only confided in a couple of our closest friends - the real inner circle of our support network. We hadn't even told our families yet. We reckoned that for them, in particular, it would be more difficult for to deal with the potential disappointments if we had decided not to proceed. Given our long history with infertility and first trimester miscarriages it would have felt like running around telling everyone the moment we saw two little blue lines. After a while those little lines had come to fill us with a mixture of dread and foreboding rather than joy...</span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So, how to tell family and who to tell...? For now we still decided to minimise the number of people who knew. Close family and very close friends. Our inner circle of support. After all, there was still lots of scope for the match not to proceed. Let's minimise the number of painful discussions we would need to have, the number of awkward and probably evasive explanations.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Alongside this we were arranging meeting after meeting. It all started to feel like the run up to our adoption panel. First up was a long chat with the local authority's medical adviser. The CPR had thrown up a number of health issues with both the child and with the extended family which we would need to look into. None of them seemed insurmountable and, indeed, those flagged directly in relation to this little boy turned out to amount to naught. Still, we would check it all out. We had already spoken to our GP about the conditions which had been referenced and her conclusion was that there should be little to be concerned about. A long discussion with the authority medical advisor seemed to confirm this. We were satisfied. The medical box had been well and truly ticked.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There were a few more discussions with Denise and Lorraine, some in person and some on the phone. At the first of those discussions after the initial meeting with Sue and Lorraine we were delighted when Denise pulled some A4 colour printed sheets of paper out of her seemingly bottomless bag. These were the first proper photos we had ever seen of our little boy. We all agreed that the pasty, scowling photo on the from of the CPR form just didn't count. These were shots of the most beautiful little boy. At only 12 months or so old in the photos he was still carrying the disproportionate proportions of a baby transitioning into toddlerdom. He was entirely gorgeous. The only disappointment was that when we asked Denise if we could keep them she said, "Hmm, I don't think so." And stuffed them firmly back into the bottom of her bag. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What she did have to offer us, however, was much better. A date when we could actually see this little boy in the flesh.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Our local authority was one of the few in the country which, at the time, allowed prospective adopters to actually see the child they were matched with in the flesh before introductions start. This would take the form of what we referred to as a "fly by". In our case it turned out to be more of a "mid-air collision".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In our Preparation Days we were told how the process worked. It would vary for different ages of child. With older children, the prospective adopters would hang around in some child-friendly public place with their social worker: a play park, a soft play, a cafe... Meanwhile, a few metres away the foster carer would play with the child for a short while - allowing the adopters the chance to watch their soon-to-be child interacting with the foster carer in a real world situation. There would be no interaction with the prospective adopters, though - a case of "look but don't touch". The child would be none the wiser that anything unusual was going on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It all sounded a bit seedy... Hanging around in the park staring at children. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For younger children and babies the process was similar but different. The prospective adopters would pop around to the foster carers' house ostensibly for a nice cup of tea, a biscuit and a chat. All the while the child would be amusing themselves in the same room, playing with their toys or doing whatever a baby or toddler does (drooling, throwing up, being cute, chewing the furniture...). However, the rules of engagement were the same. Look, don't touch. And no interacting, even if the child toddled over to you to show you the old sock or dog toy that was suddenly their new "best thing in the world ever". Smile, nod, no further interaction... Simple.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Fortunately for us it didn't work quite like that...</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-70147343718780809612014-05-08T22:15:00.000+01:002014-05-09T09:51:12.404+01:00Chapter 40 - Matching: Under Scrutiny<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ9chVFsV-RbZKymv4GCaGb27KRiBV79CARpFd6ATl4es41khaARKKpetNALwVd1mpJ5T0k8PvdO3LLUW3QStNfUuKCULPmUTrYX2vMeyHLqcIXKGyqoFx5sE0Ek_eNKtDsDoKFaevz5s/s1600/missioncontrol.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ9chVFsV-RbZKymv4GCaGb27KRiBV79CARpFd6ATl4es41khaARKKpetNALwVd1mpJ5T0k8PvdO3LLUW3QStNfUuKCULPmUTrYX2vMeyHLqcIXKGyqoFx5sE0Ek_eNKtDsDoKFaevz5s/s1600/missioncontrol.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">SET CONTROLS FOR THE HEART OF THE SON</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well, wheels were being properly set in motion. Denise phoned us the following day with a firm date to meet our little boy's social workers. It would be an opportunity for us to ask more detailed questions about him but also for them to scrutinise us. They would dig into us as individuals and as a couple (we were used to that by now). They would examine our motives for becoming parents and to parent this child in particular. They would look at the emotional environment in which a child would grow up and consider whether they considered the match to be a suitable one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">No pressure then.</span></div>
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<a name='more'></a>Rather than the usual one social worker we would have the pleasure of being scrutinised by two. His case was in the process of being handed over from one part of Child Protection Services to another. Because this little boy's at risk status had been flagged while his birth mother was still pregnant his case had, up until now, been handled by a social worker in the unit concerned with vulnerable and at risk young people while they worked to see whether he could be placed back with his mother or elsewhere in the extended family. Now that the court had confirmed that the plan for this child was adoption he was being handed over to the team who looked after younger children who had been taken into care.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And so, there we were sitting on two dining room chairs dragged through to the lounge while Denise sat in an armchair and Lorraine and Sue occupied the sofa. A pot of Earl Grey tea, a cafetière of coffee and a plate of Duchy Originals had been strategically deployed on the coffee table and we sat looking on nervously. Once again it was one of those unaccountably tense and draining meetings. But, I suppose that we had more or less got used to that by now. Lots of questions were asked on both sides but, of the social workers, it was mostly Lorraine who did the talking. Sue, as a newcomer to the case, seemed to be in a quiet "info-sponge" mode; drinking in information about the little boy and us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As Lorraine talked about the little boy, his history and how he seemed to be thriving in his foster care placement it became clear just how attached she had become to him. There seemed to be a level of emotional attachment in her voice and her comments which went beyond a purely professional appraisal of the options. I was clear that this little boy had the ability to win the hearts of those around him. That seemed to us to be a good sign. Not a game changer; not a deciding factor... But it was something which added to that level of confidence which we felt when thinking about what the future might hold. Something to quell the turmoil of butterflies which erupted in the tummy every time we thought about what the next few months might lead to.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For us the meeting was the perfect opportunity to dig behind the words on the page in the CPR form. It was a chance to colour in some of the pen pictures of two young people who, for whatever reason, were unable to be parents to this little boy. A chance to get a better feeling for the circumstances which, from way back in their own childhoods, had brought them to that place. Finally they became people rather than ciphers for poor parenting. People deserving, in equal measure, empathy and sympathy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was also a chance to understand more about the make up and experience of this little boy who might just become OUR little boy. It became abundantly clear that what Denise had said the previous week was true - the entire foster family doted upon him. No mention was made of bitterly disappointed adult foster siblings or anything from the foster carers than a commitment to see this little boy through to the best possible outcome for this little boy given the circumstances he found himself in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A few minutes after Lorraine and Sue had left Denise also stood up and started to make her excuses. The looks on our faces were clearly yelling, "WELL?" She smiled and said, "That seemed to go very well. I think that they really liked you." We asked what was next. Denise reassured us that, after discussions had taken place with their managers, Lorraine and Sue would let her know if they were content that the match should proceed. Th tone of voice didn't exactly say "Done Deal" but it seemed very confident.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Naturally the next few days were completely excruciating. We resisted the temptation to phone Denise on the hour every hour until she heard some news. On Friday morning Denise finally phoned. The news couldn't be better. Both Lorraine and Sue had been delighted with the match. Denise, once again peeled away the professional veneer, "I just spoke to Lorraine. She said that after they left your place they just sat in the car for about ten minutes grinning at each other. She thought that the fit with you both was pretty much perfect. She said that she was amazed just how much the atmosphere in your house reflected the feel when you visit the foster carers - real sense of peace and calm. She reckoned that you and they were just so similar in your outlook and characters and that would be perfect for this little boy. Her recommendation to her managers was that it simply couldn't be a much better match."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was going to be a good weekend!</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-74660023867478416092014-04-29T02:00:00.000+01:002014-04-29T02:00:00.840+01:00Chapter 39 - Matching: Decision time<div style="text-align: left;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuoOsULO-MI7q9X7uggTSv7rCXHw_D3AYgRx7orEvN2u5akgk_cQMXxF2GGfqVcTim0O7wD3oKDQ6gUFq1amrwkkuPxMtHs5WllHyJncpAoQTvyiviVgwh18gEII0iyAwELV8IEOnZ9T4/s1600/Leap-of-faith.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuoOsULO-MI7q9X7uggTSv7rCXHw_D3AYgRx7orEvN2u5akgk_cQMXxF2GGfqVcTim0O7wD3oKDQ6gUFq1amrwkkuPxMtHs5WllHyJncpAoQTvyiviVgwh18gEII0iyAwELV8IEOnZ9T4/s1600/Leap-of-faith.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A LEAP OF FAITH...</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We had given ourselves a week or two to try to assimilate the information which was presented in this little boy's CPR form. Yes, there were questions which we would need to dig into. Yes, there were small gaps which we felt we needed to fill in. Yes, there were some medical issues which we needed to check out. Yes, there were still a world of uncertainties to weigh up. But... and this was a big "but"... day by day, hour by hour and page by page we were coming around to a feeling that this might just be our son we were reading about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Intellectually it seemed to make sense to say "Yes" but intellect can only take you so far in cases like this. Alongside all the weighed-up pros and cons we were both developing a feeling in the pit of our stomaches that this was somehow all... just... "right"! This was somehow meant to be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Over the years we had seen Juliet (our foster carer friend) take haunted, broken little children into her care and nurture them. We had seen the love, care and therapeutic work which she had poured into them and watched as, to one degree or another, some measure of healing was introduced into their fragile little lives. The extent to which this healing was obvious varied from child to child. However, across that time we came to realise that one factor was fundamental to that success. At the time we didn't have a vocabulary with which to put the concept into words. However, after a year or so of living and breathing the philosophies which underpin the modern concepts of adoption (albeit in a theoretical manner) we now had a word for it. "Attachment".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We recalled how we had seen little Jilly, one of her previous children, arrive as an emaciated little thing - unwilling to make eye contact with anyone but, at the same time, constantly vigilant. She scanned the world about her surreptitiously from beneath her dirty blonde fringe, wary of imagined dangers which could lurk around any corner. Sadly, only a few days earlier those imagined dangers had been all too real. We never pried into the details of her upbringing but over the two and a half years she was with Juliet a few things became obvious. The neglect she had suffered was obvious from her appearance. The effects of the emotional and physical abuse clear from her reaction to any sign of conflict and her extreme wariness of men...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp-q7RRvH4VHFQxqjEKX75KblAoKXI_TbWO9QARr_d_dhS6OdSKrIY53v407KH71506jtI3Ump2TzMkrV-Jg878z0ZunjDw6eE4jLq-IQypoPBAT_y9g6KpaPcgsc0YJaR3Ctw-QTlcvE/s1600/vigilant1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp-q7RRvH4VHFQxqjEKX75KblAoKXI_TbWO9QARr_d_dhS6OdSKrIY53v407KH71506jtI3Ump2TzMkrV-Jg878z0ZunjDw6eE4jLq-IQypoPBAT_y9g6KpaPcgsc0YJaR3Ctw-QTlcvE/s1600/vigilant1.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">However, over those two and a half years she slowly began to change and blossom into a wonderful little girl, devoted to her "Mummy Juliet". She eventually went on to adoption. One of the things which her adoptive parents had specified to their family finders was that any child with which they were presented should have demonstrated some ability to form a positive attachment to their primary care givers. As she had grown under Juliet's care that growing attachment had become obvious. That was a key foundation on which a successful placement could be built.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As we had discussed our matching matrix and moved into a family finding phase it was one of the criteria which we had discussed with Denise. An ability to develop an attachment. It had never been written down as a formal criterion but it was something which we were hoping for. From the paperwork which we were reading that box seemed to have been well ticked.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was while discussing these issues that the usually super-efficient and uber-professional Denise allowed herself a small indiscretion. In one of our sessions with her we commented that it seemed remarkable that, notwithstanding the fact that this little one had found himself in a situation which no child should have to experience, he seemed to have been protected all the way through the process; that his ride through the system had been gentler than most. Suddenly Denise dropped her professional veneer for a second, "Oh, I absolutely shouldn't say things like this. I shouldn't try to influence your decision in any way... But frankly, if you pass up this little boy then you're never going to be presented with a chance as good as this again. Ever..." She blushed a little and looked down as if to say, "I shouldn't have said that. But I have... So there."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I wouldn't say that what Denise had said actually influenced our decision. That had been all but made in the days before that meeting and, in fact, that meeting was to confirm our decision to Denise and work out what happened next. However, it was the most wonderful confirmation that our intellectual and emotional decision was a sensible and secure one. Sure, all the paperwork seemed to be pointing in that direction but this was a decision which was way outside our experience, let alone our comfort zone. In our minds, this was probably the most important decision we would ever make - as individuals or as a couple.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was still a leap of faith. A little confirmation of that leap was still welcome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Denise made one more indiscretion that afternoon as we discussed this little boy's background - but, in this case, not a conscious one. Denise's great revelation had certainly broken the ice. Especially when we responded that our minds were already pretty much irrevocably set on pursing this match. Discussions seemed a little more relaxed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was in this more relaxed atmosphere that Denise made her second indiscretion of the afternoon. She mentioned that she had been talking to the social workers looking after the placement of this little boy. This had confirmed that he was really well settled in his foster care placement and had been for the last year. He showed all the signs of being really securely attached to his foster carer and the whole family doted over him. In fact, one of the foster carer's daughters had already expressed an interest in adopting him but had been turned down because she was still undergoing fertility treatment and had not gone through the adoption preparation process. Denise stopped short, wide eyed. The expression on her face said, "Oh no, did I really just say that? Out loud?" She looked at each of us quickly in turn, her eyes saying firmly, "That never happened. This is not a topic for further discussion. We shall never speak of this again."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Hmmmmm...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Arrangements were hastily made for the next steps of the process. Possible dates for meetings with the little boy's social worker(s) were jotted down. Likely timescales for the road to matching panel were discussed and then Denise made her excuses and left. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As we sat in the lounge after Denise had left we thought about what had passed between the three of us. A bridge seemed to have been crossed. Sure, if things went horribly wrong for some reason we would need to be ruthless about any decisions to stop the matching process. However, deep down we both longed for this not to be the case. Our heads and hearts had been set on this course. We had communicated this to Denise. Pain sailing was what we hoped for from here on in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Mind you, that little revelation was a pause for thought. We had heard plenty of horror stories about prospective adopters having difficulties with foster carers. Stories of false allegations made in an attempt to scupper a placement. What would the next few weeks hold for us?</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-73297768557113378082014-04-22T02:00:00.000+01:002014-04-22T02:00:00.115+01:00Chapter 38 - Matching: Further investigations<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjelv68inXaJHsFrMgH9Xqg4wImvuByx5M1OAJRXQOBvf3Zpg2wztot4nUMiHfUK4bHOkKEtHfvq4V5Aznf5Dju33bRSC-WaBNDmtYLqc3GRZIjsLUQYhe897Dof_lIR1FKcIGKupzTtCM/s1600/Rodin-the-Thinker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjelv68inXaJHsFrMgH9Xqg4wImvuByx5M1OAJRXQOBvf3Zpg2wztot4nUMiHfUK4bHOkKEtHfvq4V5Aznf5Dju33bRSC-WaBNDmtYLqc3GRZIjsLUQYhe897Dof_lIR1FKcIGKupzTtCM/s1600/Rodin-the-Thinker.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A LONG HARD THINK...</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We were finally considering a child. There was a fair amount of paperwork to look through. A huge number of documents to analyse and draw conclusions from. Hundreds of lines for read between. There was a description of this little boy, a potted history of his short life to date, a description of his birth family and their circumstances, a family tree (which looked like several intoxicated spiders had crawled across the page, so fractured were the various familial connections). There were medical reports on the little man and his wider family. There were some headline psychological reports on his parents and feedback from his foster carers on his progress to date.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was an awful lot of information to assimilate. And of course there were worries... What if we miss something? What if there is something important in there and we don't realise the significance of it? What if there is some vital element that is missing from the reports? What... If... They're... Hiding... Something...?</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi76NZGKTSevI6nmMBZ2kQuIVCmjP9Sq80AQ3GcSOXBHl_VEWWw8QtcYEnhxvz0SK44SQQlW8Wzh3pH1fZ1z2u-bRU299aJ-EPnPVLmudA2C0UzSnvnFZHxNUGm40T8Dw85mvcG9MWipRw/s1600/sam-spade-bogart-humphrey-maltese-falcon-the_02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi76NZGKTSevI6nmMBZ2kQuIVCmjP9Sq80AQ3GcSOXBHl_VEWWw8QtcYEnhxvz0SK44SQQlW8Wzh3pH1fZ1z2u-bRU299aJ-EPnPVLmudA2C0UzSnvnFZHxNUGm40T8Dw85mvcG9MWipRw/s1600/sam-spade-bogart-humphrey-maltese-falcon-the_02.jpg" height="320" width="250" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We desperately tried to push these worries aside and concentrate on making the impossible decision on whether this was our son we were reading about. We were struck, reading through the paperwork, a just how random our place in life can be. Both my wife and I grew up in what we would describe as loving, happy homes. Sure there were the issues that so many families struggle with... Illnesses, periods when financially things were really tight, moves, family crises... The stuff of life. However, for both of us we had, at all points, felt the very basic needs for love and a sense of safety and security being met by our parents. It made us think back to the adoption preparation exercise where we charted the pivotal incidents of our lives and assigned each one a big up arrow or a down arrow. At the time we had both been surprised at the sheer number of individual down arrows in comparison to the "ups". However, they were more than counterbalanced by a huge, diffuse up arrow smeared over the whole of our timeline. Where there had been difficult times, trauma even, these were formative rather than simply traumatic. It was so easy to see how, if a few circumstances had been changed, if the attitudes, psychology and backgrounds of our parents had been different, this could have been reversed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We did a lot of this type of thinking over the next few weeks. So often our minds were driven back to the things which we had done and discussed throughout the adoption preparation process. Other times it caused us to reflect on our own lives, our own attitudes, our reaction to the experiences we had had. Most of all, however, it called on us to understand and empathise with this little boy, his family, the circumstances which had led them all to where they were today and how that might affect the person he was and would become. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-pusPYZBzcsWvxPHxRT9FQdEFGZp5yE0uhh7J_Bc28yBFdq9jkxDBkZ5apRVyfixZtl2IKGzqdi7EdEX7LBBsPIwVVPqjmuayUMMp16y4dGgrRXTin2hoSoS0NaFyB6-M-swoFmzXbdE/s1600/lucky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-pusPYZBzcsWvxPHxRT9FQdEFGZp5yE0uhh7J_Bc28yBFdq9jkxDBkZ5apRVyfixZtl2IKGzqdi7EdEX7LBBsPIwVVPqjmuayUMMp16y4dGgrRXTin2hoSoS0NaFyB6-M-swoFmzXbdE/s1600/lucky.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It is odd to talk about being "fortunate" when considering the circumstances which lead to a child being taken into care and placed for adoption. But in comparison to the spectrum of experience of many fostered or adopted children, this little boy had been fortunate in many ways. It wouldn't be right to share so many of the things which were disclosed in his paperwork. They are things which are private and personal. Things which are, ultimately, not for us to share. One day, that will be his choice. However, there is some context which we can give around the circumstances which brought him to us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Our little boy had been "in the system" pretty much since birth. His parents had been on the social services radar from long before he was conceived, let alone born. And that, of course, speaks volumes of their upbringing and how well equipped they were to care for a child. It reflects how equipped they were to provide the loving, safe environment which he would have needed to thrive. It is a theme repeated, so often, across the adoption world. It may not be the sins of the fathers which are being visited upon the children but their circumstances, experiences and the shortcomings of the parenting which they received can be reflected across successive generations. Our hope can only be that the terrible interventions which are necessary when the State must step in to provide care for vulnerable children can be positive and break those negative cycles.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhci-p0gNf-C5tb1DiU6SdQ1kqNTo_fmYzpSmy6EVJ2up4hG_3_Zjkmf3rZT4VIXXmGTuqz7FD7q9J2lXVK5HFPhCIzX6PgcPb6h3goe-92kZfEd62EeMipBvxeLNwQjqHBlqqWtojvW8E/s1600/issues.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhci-p0gNf-C5tb1DiU6SdQ1kqNTo_fmYzpSmy6EVJ2up4hG_3_Zjkmf3rZT4VIXXmGTuqz7FD7q9J2lXVK5HFPhCIzX6PgcPb6h3goe-92kZfEd62EeMipBvxeLNwQjqHBlqqWtojvW8E/s1600/issues.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And so, in the early weeks of this little boy's life, the opportunities for neglect had been minimised. The periods of fracture, trauma, chaos and change had been constrained and, we hope and pray, their long term effects reduced. Given his unfortunate start in life this little one had, indeed, been relatively fortunate - something for which we will eternally be grateful. Since he was only a few months old he had been in the same foster placement, cared for by a family who adored him and loved him as if he was their own.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes, of course, there were still issues. There were still things to consider. There were still potential concerns to weigh up. We wanted to ensure we had a good understanding of all his circumstances. The paperwork flagged a few potential health issues both with this little boy and across his wider family. Those would need to be looked into. However, for now things were looking very positive. </span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-42616382967244991442014-04-14T00:30:00.000+01:002014-04-18T10:04:09.808+01:00An Aside: REVIEW - listenable children’s CDs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipNEjoM8f4qCYK4abn3omOEgUVdSLfpDJSt3-84j0kyn8ZAGDy57J8_k6FPePPHAPadaP7MykeV0DV4J4oO1jT9PfVNHADZgdn3EENQIE8_9NziyGw-Ue4JcciFtEri6nKhtWkHg58dHk/s1600/Cover_The_Kingdom_of_Heaven_Is_Like_This_final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipNEjoM8f4qCYK4abn3omOEgUVdSLfpDJSt3-84j0kyn8ZAGDy57J8_k6FPePPHAPadaP7MykeV0DV4J4oO1jT9PfVNHADZgdn3EENQIE8_9NziyGw-Ue4JcciFtEri6nKhtWkHg58dHk/s1600/Cover_The_Kingdom_of_Heaven_Is_Like_This_final.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><b>A review of some listenable children’s CDs </b></span></span></h2>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">This review was first posted on the fabulous blog: <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/" target="_blank"><i>The Adoption Social</i></a> . The Adoption Social is a great place to browse for invaluable information about adoption and fostering, to read other blogs about these issues, to enter discussions into topics which concern many adopters and to just hang out online. It publishes new content every day and is one of the websites I keep coming back to on a regular basis.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3366ff; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">Run by two blogging adopters it really is a forum for adopters and by adopter. Check it out and participate in one of their Link Ups... This post is part of a <b>Blog Hop at the Adoption Social</b> (more details at the end to the review...). Anyway, here is the review. Hope you enjoy it and enjoy the music!</span></span></span><br />
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</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Megson – <i>When I Was A Lad… (A Collection Of Children’s Folk Songs).<br />
</i>Jumping Through Hoops – <i>Rockin’ To The Fiddle<br />
</i>Tim Hart And Friends -<i>My Very Favourite Nursery Rhyme Record<br />
</i>Rain For Roots – <i>Big Stories For Little Ones /</i><i> The Kingdom Of Heaven Is Like This</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">Music has always been a huge thing for me</span>.
Growing up, all my hobbies and social activities seemed to revolve
around music of one sort or other. So, it’s hardly surprising that one
of many cherished memories of intros with our little boy is a musical
one. On one of our first solo flights (out to do some shopping and then
on to the play park) Thin Lizzy’s <i>Waiting for an Alibi</i> came on
the car stereo. As the twin lead guitars faded out at the end of the
song a tiny voice piped up from the back of the car <span style="color: blue;">“More! More!”</span>
accompanied by the sound of two tiny hands clapping enthusiastically.
That’s my boy! Fast forward a couple of years and we have ensured that
music is a central part of our little one’s life. And that includes
listening to music around the home and the car.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So a couple of Christmas presents this year served to illustrate the
variability of the kids’ music that’s available out there. In our
munchkin’s Christmas stocking was a double CD from the Early Learning
Centre called <i>In The Car 2</i>. A bizarre collection of tunes ranging from the expected like <i>Hickory Dickory Dock</i> or <i>Three Blind Mice</i> to rather left field selections like <i>Ghostbusters </i>and <i>Bananas In Pyjamas</i>.
All of these were presented in a resolutely cheesy fashion with a
smattering of out of tune kids from the local stage school singing along
as the icing on the cake. Instrumentation seemed to be courtesy of the
finest Casio keyboard that £19.99 could buy you at your local Argos. “<i>In The Car</i>”? <span style="color: blue;">I
was pretty sure that a long journey down the motorway in the company of
this CD would require me to gnaw my own arm off, just to maintain my
own psychological well-being.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So is there a viable alternative? Can you listen to a nursery rhyme
and retain both your rock’n’roll credibility and your sanity? It is at
times like these where one is simply driven to utter the “F” word… Yes, <span style="color: blue;">FOLK</span>!</span><br />
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Now wait a minute before you decide to stop reading and turn of the
computer… In these days when Mumford and Sons play Wembley and get
awarded Grammys the idea of settling down to some well played acoustic
music shouldn’t be such a foreign idea. And after all, what are the
nursery rhymes and action songs we sing with our kids if not folk songs
in their truest sense? And it just so happens that over the last few
years some excellent child-focused British folk and Americana-based
albums have been released. These really are well worth checking out.</span><br />
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</span><a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Megson.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Megson" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-2587" src="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Megson-300x300.jpg" height="300" width="300" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Last year husband and wife folk duo Megson released the other Christmas pressie I mentioned earlier – <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Was-Lad-Collection-Childrens/dp/B008APY5JY/ref=ntt_mus_ep_dpi_1"><i>When I Was A Lad… (A Collection Of Children’s Folk Songs)</i></a><i>. </i>This album brings together a number of traditional folk songs like <i>The Riddle Song</i> (‘I gave my love a cherry without a stone…’), <i>Dance To your Daddy</i> (‘When the boat comes in…’) and <i>A Frog He Would A Wooing Go</i> with some <span style="color: blue;">brilliantly observed and, frankly hilarious, modern songs</span>
written by the duo themselves. These are all set about with an array of
traditional folk instruments. Banjos, acoustic guitars, drums and
double bass add up to a mix that strides across lines of authenticity
and contemporary sounds. What sets this album apart from the vast
proposition of kids’ music is that Megson are a <span style="color: blue;">talented band</span> in their own right with a <span style="color: blue;">growing reputation</span>
across the UK folk circuit. The fact that they are also young parents
builds strengths into the album. They will have road tested these tracks
to the most unforgiving of audiences. And even the new songs have a
quality which will tickle adults and children alike. <i>Baby And The Band</i>
is a slightly surreal tale of a family folk band where ‘…Baby plays the
banjo and doggie plays the drums. Grandma plays the bass guitar with
nothing but her thumbs…’ attached to the catchiest of tunes. And with <i>All The Shops Have Fallen Down</i>
the older kids will giggle at the thought of buying a lump of meat that
smells like grandma’s feet or a pair of tights full of fleas of mites.
What Megson have put together is just a really listenable album in its
own right. The fact that it is <span style="color: blue;">equally entertaining and accessible to children and adults</span> alike is a real bonus.</span><br />
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</span><a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Rockin.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Rockin" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-2589" src="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Rockin-300x268.jpg" height="268" width="300" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Jumping Through Hoops’ album, <i>Rockin’ The Fiddle</i> adopts a similar old and new approach but takes it across the pond and into the American bluegrass tradition. <span style="color: blue;">The
brainchild of Dr Kari Groff, a child psychologist who also happens to
be part of the Brooklyn fiddling community, it is again aimed squarely
at both children and adults</span>. Realised with the help of key
members of bluegrass supergroups Uncle Earl and The Punch Brothers it is
infused with spirit and propelled along with lively guitars and fiddle
playing. Once again the album draws together traditional favourites like
<i>Shortnin’ Bread</i> and <i>Liza Jane </i>with equally catchy
originals. Whether old or brand new, each tune catches the ear. Once
again the lullabies lull and the jigs set the toes tapping. Resolutely
uplifting and empowering in its lyrics it is an enjoyable listen which
easily bears the repeats which in-car listening requires. Given its
genesis in a local New York fiddling community, the album isn’t widely
available in the UK but can be easily purchased online at <a href="http://jthkids.com/">http://jthkids.com/</a>.
Groff is developing a follow-up collection under the name of The Bright
Siders which aims to look at the various issues and difficulties which
children can experience in a light-hearted and accessible manner. This
should be particularly interesting for those with slightly older kids.
The first two tracks are available to <a href="http://thebrightsiders.bandcamp.com/">download for free at Bandcamp</a>.</span><br />
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<br />
<a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/rainroots.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="rainroots" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-2592" src="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/rainroots-300x300.jpg" height="300" width="300" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Staying with an Americana theme, if you are looking for<span style="color: blue;"> Bible story songs for little ones</span> which don’t come with a large serving of Gorgonzola then Rain For Roots’ <i>Big Stories For Little Ones</i> is worth hunting down online too. It was <span style="color: blue;">created by a collective of country singer-songwriter mums</span>
from Nashville, all of whom were taken by the Sally Lloyd-Jones books
of bible story rhymes for very young children. It sets a number of these
poems to a gentle, rootsy background. Simple, charming and immediately
engaging it would be perfect for younger children especially. The
acoustic guitars and tastefully employed country instrumentation makes
it easy on the ear for adults too. It can be <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B008C6G5VC/ref=sr_1_1_rd?ie=UTF8&child=B008C6G6K2&qid=1393973622&sr=1-1%3C/a%3E">purchased online at Amazon</a> or <a href="https://www.noisetrade.com/rainforroots/big-stories-for-little-ones-sampler">a sampler downloaded for free from Noisetrade</a>. A second album called <i>The Kingdom Of Heaven Is Like This</i> has just been released and can be purchased through <a href="http://www.rainforroots.com/">www.rainforroots.com</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/TimH.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="TimH" class="size-medium wp-image-2590 alignleft" src="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/TimH-286x300.jpg" height="300" width="286" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But
none of this provides us with listenable versions of familiar nursery
rhymes or Rhymetime favourites. For these we need to take a little trip
back in time. At the very end of the 1980s Steeleye Span founder
members, <span style="color: blue;">Tim Hart and Maddy Prior</span>,
were also struggling to find some listenable music for their own
children and so they decided to show the world how it should be done.
This resulted in two CDs, <i>My Very Favourite Nursery Rhyme Record</i> and <i>Drunken Sailor And Other Kids’ Songs</i>. A few years ago these were collected together in a double CD set – <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Very-Favourite-Nursery-Rhyme-Record/dp/B003334SJ0/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1393973710&sr=1-1"><i>Tim Hart and friends: My Very Favourite Nursery Rhyme Record</i></a>.<i> </i></span><br />
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</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Together, the two CDs collect a host of familiar nursery rhymes and favourite children’s songs. From <i>Sing A Song Of Sixpence </i>to <i>Humpty Dumpty</i> or <i>Oranges And Lemons </i>to <i>Baa, Baa Black Sheep</i>, all are present and correct. Alongside these are thrown in some excellent children’s folk songs from the UK and US – <i>The Riddle Song</i>, <i>Over The Hills And Far Away</i>, <i>Who Killed Cock Robin</i>, <i>Hush Little Baby</i>
and many others. Now to be fair, some of the keyboard and drum machine
sounds on the album have dated a little less than gracefully over the
years but it’s still a hugely listenable collection. I guess this is in
part due to the experience and skill of Hart and Prior and the fact that
the “friends” they drew in to play on the album were some of the crème
de la crème of the UK folk and session world – and <span style="color: blue;">it’s clearly a bunch of muso mums and dads who are thoroughly enjoying themselves</span>. While most songs are given a fairly straightforward folk-rock treatment, the country feel of <i>Old MacDonald</i> or the calypso swing of <i>Hush Little Baby</i> show that tongues are firmly in cheeks and grins are on faces. In fact, it’s the perfect in-car family singalong fodder.</span><br />
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</span><a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/disney.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="disney" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-2588" src="http://theadoptionsocial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/disney-300x298.jpg" height="298" width="300" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So
where else can a desperate parent turn for listenable kids music? Well,
there are some great Disney collections out there – the <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Disney-3CD-Various-Artists/dp/B00F9NC17S/ref=pd_sim_m_h__1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1PDC8H3Y7PNPEEM1MRTM">triple CD <i>Ultimate Disney</i></a>
comes highly recommended for bringing together all the prerequisite
favourites in their original soundtrack versions. It also throws in a
bonus singalong/karaoke CD for good measure. Then, of course, there are
90’s popsters, <i>They Might Be Giants</i> who have also carved out a niche
with several quirky educational albums aimed at kids. But since these
could hardly be described as “folk” perhaps that is a review for another
day…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>USEFUL LINKS:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Megson – <i>When I Was A Lad… (A Collection Of Children’s Folk Songs).</i> <a href="http://www.megsonmusic.co.uk/">http://www.megsonmusic.co.uk/</a> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Jumping Through Hoops – <i>Rockin’ To The Fiddle </i>& <i>The Bright Siders.</i> <a href="http://jthkids.com/">http://jthkids.com/</a> <a href="http://thebrightsiders.bandcamp.com/">http://thebrightsiders.bandcamp.com/</a></span> <br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Tim Hart And Friends -<i>My Very Favourite Nursery Rhyme Record.</i> <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Very-Favourite-Nursery-Rhyme-Record/dp/B003334SJ0/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1393973710&sr=1-1">http://www.amazon.co.uk/Very-Favourite-Nursery-Rhyme-Record/dp/B003334SJ0/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1393973710&sr=1-1</a></span><br />
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</span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Rain For Roots – <i>Big Stories For Little Ones & </i><i>The Kingdom Of Heaven Is Like This. </i><a href="http://rainforroots.com/"><i>http://rainforroots.com/</i></a><i> </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Various – <i>Ultimate Disney. </i><i><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Disney-3CD-Various-Artists/dp/B00F9NC17S/ref=pd_sim_m_h__1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1PDC8H3Y7PNPEEM1MRTM">http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Disney-3CD-Various-Artists/dp/B00F9NC17S/ref=pd_sim_m_h__1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1PDC8H3Y7PNPEEM1MRTM</a></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>--------------------------------------------------------</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This post is part of a <b>Blog Hop at the Adoption Social</b> website. Each week the site hosts the great Weekly Adoption Shout Out (#WASO) where different bloggers can post up their latest thoughts and writing. It's a mine of useful info and insight for those interested in adoption, fostering and related issues. However, this week everybody gets to join in. Listed and linked below are all the posts added to this week's WASO. Check them out and then visit the Adoption Social...</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-38113197795926266922014-04-07T01:00:00.000+01:002014-05-08T23:14:26.581+01:00Chapter 37 - Matching: A little more information<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzzxSVRVC-b2yo_1hWcAg6gshxFChN00quNILLiPBOQ7MLwUGQw25MbwEfPiv5PaXWIppjUn25Ax27BIxSF-x7Pf1CVqSMpAyz9GTk2HSGJlVg_YVO231QRoGQ9KkIj0cIjYtNNINCSHg/s1600/Train-Track.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzzxSVRVC-b2yo_1hWcAg6gshxFChN00quNILLiPBOQ7MLwUGQw25MbwEfPiv5PaXWIppjUn25Ax27BIxSF-x7Pf1CVqSMpAyz9GTk2HSGJlVg_YVO231QRoGQ9KkIj0cIjYtNNINCSHg/s1600/Train-Track.jpg" height="320" width="258" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">ADMINISTERING CPR</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So we had both passed a weekend in a bemused cosmic, space-cadet mode. We were in possession simultaneously of far too much information and nowhere near enough. We knew we had been linked to a little boy. We suspected his name might begin with the letter "A". And that was it. What on earth were supposed to do with that? How could we process the meaning of those simple facts? Answer we couldn't. However, come two o'clock that afternoon we would know more. We would have in our possession a detailed report on this little boy, his background and his circumstances. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">All this was of scant comfort to me as I sat in the semi-darkness at 5:30 in the morning waiting for a taxi to arrive to take me to the railway station. In a perfect storm of bad planning I was due to head off that morning for an insane grand tour of the country. Sure, it had been in the diary for some months now. An insane three day road trip. But that was scant consolation now. There were more pressing matters on my mind.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span id="goog_191107656"></span><br /></span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This morning was a long train ride down to Exeter, meeting up with other colleagues along <span id="goog_191107657"></span>the way. After a busy afternoon of meetings we would be grabbing another train (or three) to travel up to Edinburgh for a two day conference. The fact that I was involved in leading a session on the second day meant that ducking out wasn't really an option. Rats! It was hardly a schedule which was conducive to settling down to dig into the finer points of a child's life. The fact that I would be several hundred miles away from any available information on him was just the icing on the cake.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMULM7su1ta-OtyyjTNrp6dUt_eu4a0h2zssGr0KxH2xaqN3P4YoWCayUKrSfHeVuGaW18JyaoMCHGkMJIBC62uRr73aIffZkUe9tihYoNfVRf970q2ZBigaDpxr9AKzuIYaJsMHDMZZs/s1600/long+journey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMULM7su1ta-OtyyjTNrp6dUt_eu4a0h2zssGr0KxH2xaqN3P4YoWCayUKrSfHeVuGaW18JyaoMCHGkMJIBC62uRr73aIffZkUe9tihYoNfVRf970q2ZBigaDpxr9AKzuIYaJsMHDMZZs/s1600/long+journey.jpg" height="320" width="243" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The morning ride down to the West Country passed incredibly slowly. Much of it was spent, not immersed in the papers for the suite of meetings that afternoon, but on the phone to my wife. The afternoon was even more frustrating as during the long, intense meetings I knew that my wife would have had access to the CPR report. Around about three I felt my mobile buzz two or three times in my pocket. Clearly little bits of information were starting to dribble through to me. But of course, save making some excuses and going to sit in the gent's loo there was little scope to access it. And goodness knows what state I would be in if I did...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In the taxi back to the railway station I finally pulled my mobile out of my pocket. Sure enough there were a succession of texts which revealed increasing amounts of information about the person who would become "our little boy". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In the run up to this point my wife and I had discussed the idea or receiving a CPR at length. Is particular we discussed how to make a dispassionate decision on whether on not this was the child for us. We had both been attracted to something that another couple had said about their approach during a training course we'd attended a few months earlier. They had covered up any photos of the prospective child in their CPR forms with a Post-It note. All the better not to be swayed by an adorable little face staring up at them with pleading eyes that said "Be my mummy and daddy... Pleeeze..." Only when they had come to a basic decision on whether to investigate that child further on the basis of the written word would they unveil the photos and gaze into the eyes of the child they had chosen (or, indeed, rejected).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That sounded like a plan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Until I opened the next text and saw the pasty looking face of a little boy scowling up at me. Ah... The attached message explained that our best laid plans had been scuppered from the start. As my wife removed the CPR from the envelope this photo was staring up at her from the cover sheet. Too late. The photographic cat was out of the bag. And if she had to know what the little fella looked like then I was jolly well going to know too...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQu9dFEef7-qjA6Uw8uRC5xsJblaGZCqu62CirS9cJ__-0Qt4XN-c2aCTdyVTYB6gv1h7ZahBDU04GOVDWt8ox-aFup5JdZw0baL1X3O05jV4pyvyeIjeh-1-fpQYgQSlh6eU1eXdD0Y/s1600/Gurning+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQu9dFEef7-qjA6Uw8uRC5xsJblaGZCqu62CirS9cJ__-0Qt4XN-c2aCTdyVTYB6gv1h7ZahBDU04GOVDWt8ox-aFup5JdZw0baL1X3O05jV4pyvyeIjeh-1-fpQYgQSlh6eU1eXdD0Y/s1600/Gurning+4.jpg" height="205" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I flipped back to the photo and a thought popped into my head..."Well, he's no looker, is he?" It didn't help that it was a mobile phone photo of a photocopy of a scan of a pretty ropey photograph. However, that fact that this was my first thought when seeing my possible future son did make me feel more than a little uncharitable. The photo later became a topic of discussion with our, ever frank, friend Juliet who is also a foster carer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Ooh, that photo is a bit grim." She blurted out, looking at the image on my wife's mobile. She looked up and quickly added with a wicked grin, "That's a good sign, of course!" "What?" "Well, they are clearly reluctant to let him go, aren't they. They've probably subconsciously chosen the most unflattering photo they have for the adoption paperwork. I can guarantee you, if he was a total nightmare then the photo would be the most angelic, cherubic photo you have ever seen! Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For now, we decided to set Juliet's cynicism and that photo to one side. We would leave the pasty looking skin, the miserable little face and the flabby, jowly scowl behind while we deliberated. The camera never lies but it has been known to bend the truth an awful lot. We would look through the documentation which we had and take a view on whether or not to proceed through a mixture of cold, hard analysis and gut feeling. As it happened, ironically, when we first met this little boy we immediately fell in love with him and left that meeting thinking, "Well, he doesn't look anything like that awful photo. He's a bit gorgeous!" Maybe Juliet was right?</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-28636196424730665702014-04-01T21:48:00.001+01:002014-05-09T09:50:33.179+01:00Chapter 36 - Matching: Back On The Chain Gang<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0OBQMDyZv_uHaKl04pLBM1u1c9cyx3hhb5BEaPOwKRORVic-ic6dAP6hmE-D6QDmYkloRZmgGbNPARlXGR9AwjQu9EfNQxyPd1ZIjJ5Ku3CgSl5pvR59O2gV6GNnJrAfeQnwfhBND7s8/s1600/Old_chain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0OBQMDyZv_uHaKl04pLBM1u1c9cyx3hhb5BEaPOwKRORVic-ic6dAP6hmE-D6QDmYkloRZmgGbNPARlXGR9AwjQu9EfNQxyPd1ZIjJ5Ku3CgSl5pvR59O2gV6GNnJrAfeQnwfhBND7s8/s1600/Old_chain.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE MOMENT OF TRUTH</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had no idea how we would feel when, finally, our local authority's family finders suggested a child to us. Would we be prepared? Would we even know what we were supposed to be prepared for?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It had been a good seven months since the fateful day when we were approved at adoption panel. We had mentally promised the local authority a good six months to find us a match before we would start actively hassling them and start a more proactive search. Now just over half a year had passed. We were reluctant to go down a "Children Who Wait" route but that was part of our post-6 month game-plan and we were mentally preparing for it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet, somehow, for the last few weeks other stuff and (frankly) procrastination had been getting in the way. "Yes, we will absolutely, definitely phone Denise today! Yes! Oh, what's the time? Quarter past five? Hmmmmm... I guess she's gone home now. Maybe tomorrow. Yes, absolutely, definitely tomorrow..." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a name='more'></a></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally on one of those "tomorrows" my wife actually managed to remember to pick up the phone before the tea-time bell beckoned. It was about five o'clock on a Friday afternoon when she finally picked up the receiver and dialled. She was a little surprised to hear Denise answer. However, not half as surprised as when Denise said,"Ooh, I was just about to give you a ring. I've just got back into the office after some home study visits and picked up an email about you." My wife just about managed to gulp and say, "Erm... Yes?" "Says here that you've been linked with a little boy. Don't have many details at all. Let's see... He's a little boy, fourteen months, been in foster care since he was very young, approved for adoption and... Well, that's it."</span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gosh... Well this was it indeed. "Are there any details you can email us? Any files or dossiers?" "I'm afraid not. That's all I've got and, I just checked, all the people in the family finding team have all gone home for the weekend. I'll be able to get hold of the CPR form - the Child Permanence Report - on Monday and I'll pop it in the post to you." "No that's OK. I'll drive over and pick it up... When will you be in on Monday morning?"</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5aOQDZM6rTyUYrNMcDRseIjVck4ZuMNcoUm6DQYgoDx4SbHcPHjQw4mFHR-gTEKsy2Aiad4B7c3yY1xA2TNXDH0CL7ssJNyx9i8gAR0dsRmfp2gUicdzPb4l6n21LOTO9Fty0CpG52fY/s1600/question-mark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5aOQDZM6rTyUYrNMcDRseIjVck4ZuMNcoUm6DQYgoDx4SbHcPHjQw4mFHR-gTEKsy2Aiad4B7c3yY1xA2TNXDH0CL7ssJNyx9i8gAR0dsRmfp2gUicdzPb4l6n21LOTO9Fty0CpG52fY/s1600/question-mark.jpg" height="320" width="243" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Denise laughed. "Well maybe let's say after lunch, around two PM? That will give me time to get the forms, make any copies I'll need for our records and get everything together for you. In the meantime I'll forward you the email about the link. Have a great weekend."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Soon afterwards I received a phone call at work while I was trying to wind up for the day and head off for a much anticipated weekend. I can't say that the voice on the other end was entirely coherent but it didn't take that long to get the gist of what my wife was saying. Any remaining bits of work got rapidly shoved into my desk drawer, I grabbed my coat and ran to the car.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I finally got home I found my wife staring at the laptop screen. On there was an all too terse e-mail entitled "Fwd: Link with abc". What did that mean? The body of the email gave no more information than Denise had provided; she had clearly just been reading from the email itself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So what did we know? Male - check. 14 months old - check. Approved for adoption - check. Been in foster care for some time - check... And? And? Staring at the email my wife suddenly blurted out, "Hmmm... 'Link with abc'? You don't suppose that could be his initials do you?" It was a lightbulb moment and suddenly a new game started. Well if those were his initials then what might his name be? Andrew? Alastair? Alan? Adam? Alex? Adrian? Alfie? Algernon? What if he's called "Akon"? Oh please Lord, don't let it be a comedy rapper's name... Could we cope with picking up a Smurf-voiced rapper from the school playground? Our minds drifted back to the "names" discussion at our Prep Days. Sure, we weren't being presented with a Chardonnay or a Beyoncé but a quick skim through the various lists of available children waiting for adoption confirmed that there was plenty of scope for boys to have... erm... "interesting" spellings for their names.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well we would know on Monday.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBpoJqXMdytjskwSqms3vHFll_68opZW2RPmDTlqce1kkFRw67aV3VWx4Hyxf8R2YFjcXuS7bcgdHkxWXdlg1nzUEeXy3jPe9SzCskeSyVQG_Oq8iH2QJB2bpy6aa4YDvy8C0XnEHRBeU/s1600/space+cadet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBpoJqXMdytjskwSqms3vHFll_68opZW2RPmDTlqce1kkFRw67aV3VWx4Hyxf8R2YFjcXuS7bcgdHkxWXdlg1nzUEeXy3jPe9SzCskeSyVQG_Oq8iH2QJB2bpy6aa4YDvy8C0XnEHRBeU/s1600/space+cadet.jpg" height="400" width="282" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My most vivid memory of that weekend is the fact that I have almost no recollection of that weekend. I can recall wandering around in a complete daze for most of the time, unable to focus on anything in particular. One big 48-hour senior moment. Unfortunately we had a really packed weekend planned, with a big family get-together and a busy Sunday at church. Normally this might have been a good way to take our minds off everything. No, the reverse was true. We both shuffled through the days in a distracted, distant sort of space-cadet mode. Neither of us felt that, at that point, we could reveal the momentous news to family or friends. What was there to tell? Would we even be interested in this little boy once we had read his CPR form? Was this just the first of many false starts? There were far too many uncertainties to start announcing our good news from the rooftops. Besides, what could we actually tell anyone. Boy. A bit over a year old. Might have a name starting with the letter "A". Might not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is a measure of how much of a daze we were in that it wasn't until well into Saturday afternoon when, having commented again to each other that at least we'd know more on Monday, that something occurred to me. "Hang on a minute. Very first thing on Monday morning I'm heading off to Devon for a whole series of work meetings. I'm not going to get back until last thing on Wednesday night!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Oh poo!"</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-86818636389700422802014-03-08T22:48:00.002+00:002014-03-08T22:53:53.529+00:00An aside - Meet The Blogger at the Adoption Social<h2>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJuYCk2l308T8vO7fPFkjg4_prj8QMpFXuMO3fRMPfLVovYPyDfpdNRCC-QIdEWgil3VQlPmgEgAQNnl-lo3apcOffdTm4Oi9QR0GilfttPMw9WV55X_GYyZUPHTgEX78YB5gJA58Dtoc/s1600/IMG_8966.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJuYCk2l308T8vO7fPFkjg4_prj8QMpFXuMO3fRMPfLVovYPyDfpdNRCC-QIdEWgil3VQlPmgEgAQNnl-lo3apcOffdTm4Oi9QR0GilfttPMw9WV55X_GYyZUPHTgEX78YB5gJA58Dtoc/s1600/IMG_8966.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a>FAME AT LAST! WELL, SORT OF...</h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I am totally chuffed and honoured this week to be featured as the featured blogger on the Adoption Social's weekly "Meet The Blogger" page. The page takes the form of a quick questionnaire which looks to give a little (light-hearted) insight into the blogger contributors and Weekly Adoption Shout Out linkers. My entry can be found here: <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/meet-the-blogger/meet-the-blogger-adoption-journey-blog">http://theadoptionsocial.com/meet-the-blogger/meet-the-blogger-adoption-journey-blog</a>/</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you haven't come across <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/" target="_blank">The Adoption Social</a> before it is a site set up by two tweeters, bloggers and adoptive parents, Sarah (from the <a href="http://thepuffindiaries.com/" target="_blank">The Puffin Diaries</a>) and Vicki (from <a href="http://www.theboysbehaviour.co.uk/" target="_blank">The Boy's Behaviour</a>), which gathers together interesting and informative articles related to adoption and fostering. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Although only a year or so old a healthy and helpful little online community is starting to form around it. It is definitely worth checking out regularly as Sarah and Vicki are working hard to ensure that the content changes and grows on a daily basis. It also features regular "link ups" where adoption bloggers can post up links to their latest blogs. A great way to come across new blogs and bloggers and little gems of info.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Now one of my regular online haunts The Adoption Social is one not to miss. Connect with it in the following ways: <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/" target="_blank">W</a><a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/" target="_blank">ebsite</a> <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/">http://theadoptionsocial.com/</a> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheAdoptionSocial" target="_blank">Facebook</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/AdoptionSocial" target="_blank">Twitter</a></span><br />
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<br />AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-44987055769407720502014-02-24T00:01:00.000+00:002014-02-24T00:01:00.135+00:00Chapter 35 - The great reformation, part 3<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBPW1FmfJ8LYzyE7LfTlHomcznAfGR-tSvWwxqD6IsBa4A9_zndxJl20URI75vXRUYJApNCJyI5ZmhEJ780Gaiiqz-dkEoQIqbbDyoQSIC3gEbr8Tuz0MwKzJ924lBfB7rEtCBDO4tRMs/s1600/Matchmaker-cookies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBPW1FmfJ8LYzyE7LfTlHomcznAfGR-tSvWwxqD6IsBa4A9_zndxJl20URI75vXRUYJApNCJyI5ZmhEJ780Gaiiqz-dkEoQIqbbDyoQSIC3gEbr8Tuz0MwKzJ924lBfB7rEtCBDO4tRMs/s1600/Matchmaker-cookies.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">MATCHMAKING AND FAMILY FINDING</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It is very easy to describe the adoption process as being for the benefit of the prospective adoptive parents. The opportunity for couples or individuals who cannot otherwise create a family "naturally" (or for that matter "unnaturally") to get the children they have always wanted. A chance for parents of existing families to expand those families in a manner which "gives back..." There is, of course, an element of this. However, it must be remembered that the adoption process is not driven by the needs of the parent (birth or adoptive) but by the needs of the children in the "looked-after" system for whom adoption has been identified as the best outcome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The needs of the child drive every part of the system from the screening and approvals process through to matching, placement and any subsequent support. That's not how the press portrays it but, then again, that doesn't make for sensationalist headlines. Much has been made in the papers of the proposals which have been made for linking and matching under the revised adoption system - and a lot of it in prurient, innuendo filled terms. Having spent many months last year castigating adoption agencies and local authorities for letting too many children languish in care when there are dozens of prospective parents champing at the bit to give them homes (I exaggerate, but not much) they are now caricaturing greater access for parents to the details of children available for adoption and adoption as first come first served cattle markets and sordid baby catalogues (again I exaggerate; again but not much). </span>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In my view the national and local organisations which are involved in finding permanent homes for children in the care system should be applauded for trying to facilitate the placement of children with suitable parents. There are a number of new (to the UK) ideas being trialled and hopefully they will make a difference. Will there be teething troubles, will there be down-sides to counterbalance the up-sides, will mistakes be made along the way? Almost certainly but at least the system is trying and hopefully it will learn from experience.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In many ways, post-reform matching and placement process looks very similar to the previous system. Available approved parents will still be assessed against the needs of the children on an agency's books who have been approved for adoption. There will still be a process by which agencies and parents will come to a mutual decision on whether to proceed to placement. The decision will still be assessed at a matching panel and approved by an authority's decision maker. So just what is different then?</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3HqOiW7lzL5A1VEmzVImfBU8IZX0R6f_Hy3miE6vlQq21UQl5XBui6LlUpYXpiZeTBE1xV7tUwojyoj1or8Q20s0Rq93jkdVrfIja-5iOhf6QRLWTdJnSJGYbOCl5psDN1NJ1HPm1WQo/s1600/Laces+Adoption+Party+Invitation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3HqOiW7lzL5A1VEmzVImfBU8IZX0R6f_Hy3miE6vlQq21UQl5XBui6LlUpYXpiZeTBE1xV7tUwojyoj1or8Q20s0Rq93jkdVrfIja-5iOhf6QRLWTdJnSJGYbOCl5psDN1NJ1HPm1WQo/s1600/Laces+Adoption+Party+Invitation.jpg" height="261" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once approved onto the agency adoption register family finding will begin. Previously there seemed to be an implication in guidance that prior to this prospective adopters should not be considered for matching. In practice this was more observed in the breach and clearly happened. Now the guidance from First4Adoption is more up front and clear that this may be a possibility and, in these cases, the move towards matching and placement may be rapid. For others there will be more of a wait. The guidance at national and local level also seems to place more emphasis on the fact that, within three months of approval, prospective adopters will be placed on the National Adoption Register. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/" target="_blank">First4Adoption</a> emphasises the potentially useful role of websites and publications like <a href="http://www.bemyparent.org.uk/" target="_blank">Be My Parent</a> and <a href="http://www.adoptionuk.org/finding-child/children-who-wait" target="_blank">Children Who Wait</a>. There has also been some coverage in the press about giving prospective adopters access, earlier, to an expanded nationwide web resource on which the details of children who have not yet been placed either locally or nationally can be browsed. It remains to be seen precisely how this will be implemented in practice. However, it does seem to shift the emphasis in family finding away from the adoption agency towards the prospective parents. Of course, any system will be heavily regulated, access carefully restricted and any expressions of interest in particular children closely vetted by their home authorities. However, one can only hope that it result in more children being placed more quickly while retaining the rigour of the matching system and the creation of placements which remain stable in the long term.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-xUmhRxFDCr2puRBuCPC3eRvnaqtRjy4hcd4O8RNjRuMunM3tcabrkZNkHbEuwkOyCiAxEpwWk-A1UW_Ac6D0sjxOzPa2DtljPSFUeYmMK-SGx2PRXpAa3M0f8TNX0naiKZ7bhxym-M/s1600/wedding-photo-clothesline-adoption-party-ideas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-xUmhRxFDCr2puRBuCPC3eRvnaqtRjy4hcd4O8RNjRuMunM3tcabrkZNkHbEuwkOyCiAxEpwWk-A1UW_Ac6D0sjxOzPa2DtljPSFUeYmMK-SGx2PRXpAa3M0f8TNX0naiKZ7bhxym-M/s1600/wedding-photo-clothesline-adoption-party-ideas.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Other innovations which have received some press coverage include adoption activity days and agency and inter-agency adoption exchange meetings. At the exchange meetings prospective adopters can examine the profiles of available children, watch DVDs of the children and express interest in pursuing a match further with the relevant home agency.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Adoption activity days go one stage further and break down a wall within the adoption system which has hitherto been pretty much sacrosanct. Direct contact between prospective adopters and children looking for families. At the activity days, fun events are arranged which allow attending prospective parents to play and interact with a wide range of different children. The first activity day in the UK, arranged by BAAF, was the subject of a recent Channel 4 documentary which explored both the positive elements of the process and the potentially negative emotional effects which participation in an activity day could have on those children for whom it does not lead to a placement. However, they do seem to be becoming more common across agencies and will be another potential tool for promoting the placement of, in particular, more difficult to place children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once a match has been agreed between a child or children and their prospective parent the process continues much as previously with matches being approved by an agency matching panel. A plan is then agreed for a gradual introductions process and placement should proceed as before.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB05khWcBxk74utOdFg-Xnq6jtJCJhDUAAc5Yh5Qx3qRXwgPkX059UdKBcnF5Fpm0mMPGnaa1ubrjveM0UmS66UBFLh04GHls00yi7ryiNeEF4xA3MiamR99JSulF_V6oBN3WX6dJYqrc/s1600/familyimage2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB05khWcBxk74utOdFg-Xnq6jtJCJhDUAAc5Yh5Qx3qRXwgPkX059UdKBcnF5Fpm0mMPGnaa1ubrjveM0UmS66UBFLh04GHls00yi7ryiNeEF4xA3MiamR99JSulF_V6oBN3WX6dJYqrc/s1600/familyimage2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As an alternative to this approach the government has also proposed greater usage of "concurrent planning" or "foster to adopt" arrangements, where prospective adopters are trained also as foster carers with the intention that, when children are placed with them they will go on to adopt them (once efforts to rehabilitate them back into their birth families have been exhausted, necessary legal arrangements have been made and orders put in place). This has the advantages that it minimises the disruption to the children as they are not required to move between foster and adoption placements. It also gives early access to prospective adopters to the children they may adopt, allowing attachment bonds to be made earlier in the child's relationship with the foster carer/adopter. However, full details of how the "foster to adopt" schemes will work in practice are not yet fully available and the implementation of the process does raise questions - how initial matching between children and foster carers/adoptive parents will be managed, whether interim foster placements will still be necessary prior to the making of adoption orders, how the pool of prospective adopters will accept the process (and they presumed inherent risks that children placed with them will be placed back with birth parents or the birth family). However, various agencies within the UK already successfully use concurrent planning processes and, presumably, lessons will be drawn from the way in which these agencies have implemented the process. Personally, for us, I think that the risks of fostering a child with an expectation of potentially adopting them and then watching them return to their birth parents or wider birth family (albeit that it would be a good, even preferable result for the child) would be too great for us. However, for some it may be a suitable approach. Certainly those we have spoken to who have adopted in this manner have emphasised how much they valued the chance to bond and build attachment at the earliest possible age.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Here are links to further reading on concurrent planning and a few of the various news reports on the changes and, in particular, adoption parties:</span></div>
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<li><a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/being-an-adoptive-parent/fostering-options/concurrent-planning/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">First4Adoption pages on concurrent planning</span></a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/being-an-adoptive-parent/fostering-options/fostering-for-adoption/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">First4Adoption pages on fostering for adoption</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><a href="http://www.coram.org.uk/adoption/how-our-adoption-works" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">CORAM concurrent planning pages</span></a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.barnardos.org.uk/fosteringandadoption/fostering_and_adoption_locally/fostering_and_adoption_north_east/concurrent_planning_service.htm?debugstate=3?ref=29196" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Barnardos concurrent planning pages</span></a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.caritascare.org.uk/adoption-fostering/#different-ways-to-adopt" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Caritas concurrent planning pages</span></a></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://babyfirstadoption.org/" target="_blank">Babyfirst Adoption concurrent planning pages</a> </span></li>
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<li><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/society/2011/oct/01/adoption-parties-solution-to-placement-crisis" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Guardian piece on adoption parties no. 1</span></a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/society/2011/oct/01/adoption-parties-solution-to-placement-crisis" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Guardian piece on adoption parties no. 2</span></a></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2538255/These-little-boys-taken-THREE-adoption-parties-no-one-wanted-mum-dad-Heartbreaking-events-best-way-finding-families-children-care.html" target="_blank">Daily Mail piece on adoption parties</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/tv-and-radio-reviews/10574931/Finding-Mum-and-Dad-Channel-4-review.html" target="_blank">Daily Telegraph piece on adoption parties</a> </span></li>
<li><a href="http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jakewallissimons/100255050/are-british-adoption-procedures-morally-defensible/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Daily Telegraph piece blog on ethics of UK adoption process</span></a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/adoption-parties-the-best-way-to-find-a-child-a-family-8835355.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Independent piece on adoption parties</span></a></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-19761037" target="_blank">BBC News piece on adoption parties</a></span></li>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-86794628105539211232014-02-17T23:13:00.000+00:002014-02-18T06:47:31.452+00:00Chapter 34 - The great reformation, part 2<div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">DIFFERENT STAGES</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As of July last year a new, revised adoption process came into force. New? Well, newish. Many of the elements remain much the same as under the previous system but to a much compressed timescale which aims to get prospective adopters to panel and placed with children more quickly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After an<i><a href="http://adoptionjourneyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/chapter-33-great-reformation-part-1.html" target="_blank"> initial, informal part of the process</a></i> where those interested in adoption are encouraged to find out more about what adoption entails (and are resourced to do so) the more formal part of the process begins. Compressed into about 6 months, rather than the previous 8-9, this is split into two distinct phases.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once the prospective adopter has decided that adoption is the right route for them and have decided on their preferred adoption agency they are invited to register their interest formally. At this point the official process kicks in. There is no formal standard application form for this stage but no doubt a best practice will evolve over time, just as many adoption agencies have previously used BAAF designed forms. If the adoption agency accepts the registration of interest (First4Adoption recommends a shopping around process and a "try, try, try again" attitude for those facing a rejection at this stage) then the time intensive part of the process begins. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Implementation is likely to vary from agency to agency but initially there may be individual introductory meetings or group intro sessions where applicants can get more detailed information and where the agencies can begin to gather the information they will need to complete the checks needed in this stage. It is likely that applicants will be asked to provide:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Factual information about themselves and their household such as full names, date of birth and other information</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Basic information on the applicants such as income, occupation and health</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The names of three referees (only one of whom can be a relative) that the agency can contact</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Initial information on the type of child they are open to adopting.</span></li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3zVTmdUjwGvJES-yNcCugCyZh1B5YeVkNjvoSguGcydIkr-N9ENI9QjNdo9oeFN7jx1dD64KoeKgv1obMwXXHOEwdHBPiD7GAa5s5G7cFKsVDbBtxz0ziJrxOMeIO3lP1QOgbB3g4ROI/s1600/whatplan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3zVTmdUjwGvJES-yNcCugCyZh1B5YeVkNjvoSguGcydIkr-N9ENI9QjNdo9oeFN7jx1dD64KoeKgv1obMwXXHOEwdHBPiD7GAa5s5G7cFKsVDbBtxz0ziJrxOMeIO3lP1QOgbB3g4ROI/s1600/whatplan.jpg" height="320" width="318" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">They will also need to provide any documents needed for the agency to carry out a check at the Disclosure and Barring Service (formerly the Criminal Records Bureau - "CRB checks").</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Other aspects of Stage 1 may include educational sessions aimed at helping applicants understand more about the practicalities of adoption, work-book tasks and study and formal medical assessment checks. At the end of two months the agency will inform applicants whether they have been accepted into the more intensive Stage 2 of the process.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Stage 2:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Predictably Stage 2 follows Stage 1. This is a more intense period of preparation not dissimilar to the current home study process but, again, to a much compressed timetable. Previously the statutory target for home study was to compete it and be assessed by adoption panel within eight months. This is now four months (making the full process from Stage 1 to panel only 6 months.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At the start of Stage 2 the applicants will agree an Assessment Plan which will set out the steps of the process, including dates for meetings, training etc. It will also set out the additional information which will be provided to panel. The formal guidance on the process doesn't specify what papers and information will be requested by panel but it is safe to assume that they will be similar in scale and scope to the current panel paperwork.<a href="http://adoptionjourneyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/chapter-26-paperwork-and-panels.html" target="_blank"><i> I've set out in a previous blog what information our social worker provided to our approvals panel under the previous process</i></a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It is likely that, at the beginning of Stage 2, prospective adopters will be invited to attend some Preparation Days where, along with other prospective adopters they can explore in more detail the realities of adoption in the UK. Our experiences of Preparation Days under the previous system are <a href="http://adoptionjourneyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/chapter-8-preparation-days-pt-1-first.html" target="_blank"><i>set out in this blog and the subsequent ones</i></a>.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1cucFcoiSeqiiD23DS1py_OvZYRdVPkYLKMDTRFL7jKUJMEK85EyN87kTngoaCmqhFBjaZzwpwrBacnUbb7syjdlUQOJ1d_XBu-JYJtIXyhp0j6ZedMngNyinYQ8QBSC0Ak7y8LzUlrU/s1600/shhhhh-quiet-everyone-study-wallpaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1cucFcoiSeqiiD23DS1py_OvZYRdVPkYLKMDTRFL7jKUJMEK85EyN87kTngoaCmqhFBjaZzwpwrBacnUbb7syjdlUQOJ1d_XBu-JYJtIXyhp0j6ZedMngNyinYQ8QBSC0Ak7y8LzUlrU/s1600/shhhhh-quiet-everyone-study-wallpaper.jpg" height="277" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After (or given the compressed timetables, alongside) the Preparation Days the home study period will commence. Each prospective adopter or couple will be assigned a social worker who will work through a series of targeted conversations in the prospective adopter's home. This will allow them to get to know the prospective adopters, assess their potential strengths and weakness as adoptive parents, work through issues and complete the dossier necessary to go to approval panel. It is likely that the conversations will, as previously, focus on experiences in childhood and how this will have affected and shaped the prospective adopter's outlook, personality, attitudes and potential parenting styles. At this stage the agency will also want to contact any previous partners and family of the prospective adopters. Previous partners will not have a veto over the ability of the prospective adopter to move to panel but the reasons for the break down of the previous relationships and reflection on them will form part of the home study process.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At the end of this process a report will be prepared to go to panel and the prospective adopters will be given the opportunity to comment on it. After that the adopters will go to approval panel, hopefully to be approved onto the adoption register. <i><a href="http://adoptionjourneyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/chapter-27-adoption-panel.html" target="_blank">Our experiences of adoption panel are set out here</a></i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once approved onto the adoption register, after the decision has been ratified by the agency's official "decision maker" (the person with overall accountability for the agency's approvals) successful candidates will be considered for placement with a child.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The next blog will look briefly at family finding under the new process.</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-79430545411699307242014-02-10T22:44:00.001+00:002014-02-10T22:44:06.488+00:00Chapter 33 - The great reformation, part 1<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiISkTuBLNJJXHxr2BghxLh9g_N8t_3e592T8HFDW31NwSA1vPUdBuqrVfPyPip-5Pm6lQDqd08K-RFXtLzSXI2GHsG08yODVPSlAun0bhrC04CXYB2BWzbHL0k5Ex-PI8SJNSvOEPP_w/s1600/first-4-adoption-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiISkTuBLNJJXHxr2BghxLh9g_N8t_3e592T8HFDW31NwSA1vPUdBuqrVfPyPip-5Pm6lQDqd08K-RFXtLzSXI2GHsG08yODVPSlAun0bhrC04CXYB2BWzbHL0k5Ex-PI8SJNSvOEPP_w/s1600/first-4-adoption-logo.png" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES...</span></b></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The last year has been a pivotal one in the adoption world. Adoption has suddenly become a political hot topic. But in largely a good way. It has received attention at the highest levels of government and on that basis, changes are afoot. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was something of a surprise when Prime Minister, David Cameron announced that reform of the adoption system was a personal political priority for him. Cynics might claim that it was also a nice, fluffy, feel-good initiative to get behind at a time when he and his coalition government seemed to be beset with problems at all sides. One could also speculate on the placement across the government departments most closely linked with fostering and adoption of ministers with personal experience of adoption and fostering. Accident, design, strongly held belief or political expedient, it became clear that a ground up review of the system was planned.</span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was always clear from reporting in the papers that the need to deal with looked after children in an effective manner was a growing priority. While some (most?) of this reporting was quite sensationalised it was appearing more regularly. There was the growing number of children in the looked after system. There was the shortage of foster carers and prospective adopters. There was the amount of time it was taking for children who were destined to be adopted to move through the system to a forever family. There were the numbers of children who never made this journey...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was these last two issues on which the government pronouncements seemed to focus. Implicit blame seemed to rest at the door of social services (who always seemed to me to be in a pretty "dammed if you do, dammed if you don't" position for a lot of the time). The system is, of course, more complex than either column inches or politicians like to admit and other areas such as funding, the family court system, poverty, joblessness, drug and alcohol abuse and so on seemed to be conveniently set aside in the "too difficult" box.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYvdD4ZGx21AIZXY1wtkDaeZXkXUs15CL5hLF_5Egc59omqkwUwzYsjqkOQoVS9SUFuvV7cDS4swWzF4-Tc4YFqqTEKGNljBmieoYnqI-Rv7Ufmph7T5jwMRFaOKSzJsPgnbdmNxtUXEc/s1600/newspapers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYvdD4ZGx21AIZXY1wtkDaeZXkXUs15CL5hLF_5Egc59omqkwUwzYsjqkOQoVS9SUFuvV7cDS4swWzF4-Tc4YFqqTEKGNljBmieoYnqI-Rv7Ufmph7T5jwMRFaOKSzJsPgnbdmNxtUXEc/s1600/newspapers.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There had been lots of reports in the papers bemoaning the length of time it had taken for some parents to be approved or to be placed with a child. Other couples complained that, despite being the perfect candidates the system had refused to give them a child. The reporting was, as it tends to be, partial and one always wonders what the other side to stories is. Speed of approval was, therefore the order of the day and the proposed changes were announced towards the middle of last year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One focus was to squeeze the front end of the process to get prospective adopters to home study and panel quicker. Then there is also a desire to speed up the road to approval and matching panels. I had certainly found the inefficiencies of the system frustrating and there did seem to be unnecessary delays between each step up to the Preparation Days. However, to me, the individual elements in the process appeared to be sound enough. One hopes that effectiveness of scrutiny won't be negatively defected by the increase in speed and throughput.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm not from Plymouth but I loved this poster!</td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The new timeline and processes... First things First</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One of the aspects of the new system is the introduction of a greater resource of information and access to advice before the formal part of the approval commences. One of the innovations is the introduction of a new central web-based portal for information and entry into the process "First 4 Adoption". This website provides an initial one-stop shop of basic information about adoption. There is an online quiz and interactive guide for those considering adoption where they can check if they meet the basic criteria for entering the process. There is guidance on background reading and suggested reading materials that prospective adopters can do to help them better understand the process and the demands of being an adoptive parent. There is an adoption information hotline where you can talk to trained advisers and raise concerns and questions - <b><a href="tel:0300%20222%200022" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0" x-apple-data-detectors-type="telephone" x-apple-data-detectors="true">0300 222 0022</a></b>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There is a directory of UK adoption agencies which can help prospective adopters find either an agency which is local to them or contact one of the national agencies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">First 4 Adoption advises those considering adoption to contact a range of potential agencies early into the process to explore their approach to the process and get a feel whether an agency is the right one for them. "Shop around, feel comfortable with your decision" is a consistent theme.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">To further facilitate this early information gathering stage of the process many adoption agencies and local authorities are introducing processes and resources for those interested in adoption. These may range from online resources and printed materials to opportunities to speak in person to agency staff or regular "drop in" sessions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once the prospective adopter has made a decision to proceed they can then move into the more formal process - Stage 1 of the new adoption process...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUkduAKA5Z3AyqVntQtqUl0rQyX2zUhgMQxh5EX2PoWE6ZLhvugI3SNs650YPE-n6HkDsMBeukqWBGWLcUh28tTFNaH3iXwswXGziSqxn0vqpfbrKAYrvBBfZ7-jpKuFBlq5ahuogvkS8/s1600/idiots+guide.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUkduAKA5Z3AyqVntQtqUl0rQyX2zUhgMQxh5EX2PoWE6ZLhvugI3SNs650YPE-n6HkDsMBeukqWBGWLcUh28tTFNaH3iXwswXGziSqxn0vqpfbrKAYrvBBfZ7-jpKuFBlq5ahuogvkS8/s1600/idiots+guide.jpeg" /></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Useful links and resources:</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">First 4 Adoption</span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.baaf.org.uk/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">BAAF</span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.adoptionuk.org/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Adoption UK</span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Becoming-an-adopter-step-by-step.pdf" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">F4A - Becoming an adopter: a step by step guide</span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/the-adoption-process/exploration-finding-out-about-the-road-ahead/books-on-adoption/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">F4A - list of recommended publications</span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/first-steps-intro/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">F4A - interactive guide to entering the adoption process</span></b></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/find-an-adoption-agency/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">F4A - Adoption agency database and finder</span></b></a></div>
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<br /><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">F4A -Telephone help-line: </span></b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><a href="tel:0300%20222%200022" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0" x-apple-data-detectors-type="telephone" x-apple-data-detectors="true">0300 222 0022</a></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Next time: Stages 1 & 2 and beyond...<b> </b></span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-64070765623037880422014-02-03T08:00:00.000+00:002014-02-03T23:52:44.510+00:00Chapter 32 - Des Res, could require some restoration<h2 class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2u06Lnux3g9QJLcVsDLFcox7ray3nHdxgxl9K8KFcmdaXBe_DtjhCaCHoHuj5orr7qGUFRLkYM_EosNjxNSvpEvKZWt1Q2g0EEYsodXGh41uyivrQrNo_0Rki7Zb9b5wxFln4QN7Rrl8/s1600/1257_1193_Cherub_left_Pg18_WEB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2u06Lnux3g9QJLcVsDLFcox7ray3nHdxgxl9K8KFcmdaXBe_DtjhCaCHoHuj5orr7qGUFRLkYM_EosNjxNSvpEvKZWt1Q2g0EEYsodXGh41uyivrQrNo_0Rki7Zb9b5wxFln4QN7Rrl8/s1600/1257_1193_Cherub_left_Pg18_WEB.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a>ANGELS
AND DEMONS<o:p></o:p></h2>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">It
was a few days after our phone call with Denise that an envelope containing the
locally produced list of children who were still waiting for adoption plopped
onto the doormat. We opened it with a surprising amount of trepidation,
possibly based on Denise's reluctance to give it to us. The colour photocopied
booklet turned out, as we expected, to be a mini version of Be My Parent or
Children Who Wait. On each page a couple of profiles of children or sibling
groups were laid out with (mostly) a cherub-like photo and a short blurb
describing the child or children. Sure, most of the profiles mentioned some
level of developmental delay in their subject - the severity varying from child
to child - but we were repeatedly told that was pretty much a given when
considering kids for adoption.</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Keisha is a happy 6 year old. She loves playing with her
my little pony and trips to the park...</span></i><i><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Daniel and Kimmi are the youngest of 6 siblings and are
looking for a permanent home together in an adoption placement...</span></i><i><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Jayden is a charming little boy with a bright smile who
loves being outdoors. Although he does display some difficulties in responding
to physical expressions of affection he has been improving greatly throughout
his current foster placement...</span></i><i><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">However,
one thing that the booklet did prove was that Denise had been telling the truth
when she told us geography was getting in the way of us being matched...
Profile after profile finished with the words "Cannot be placed in
Ourtown." or "Cannot be placed in the Inlawsville area." Fair
enough, between us and parents we did live in striking distance of two of our
county's main population centres. That would have to have an effect on which
children could never be placed with us.</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
few days after we had received the booklet we were due to meet up with one of
our closest friends, Juliet, who also happens to be a foster carer. Of course,
the topic of matching and how we were getting on in the adoption process came
up. We mentioned the booklet we had just received and Denise's reluctance to
send it. As she flicked through looking at the pages she made some comments
which echoed Denise's. She looked up at us and added. "You do know that
these write ups are just like estate agents' blurb, don't you?" Clearly
our puzzled expressions suggested that we didn't so she ploughed on.
"Yeah, they are full of innocuous little code words and phrases that you
need to know what they mean." Juliet is possessed of a wicked sense of
humour. In fact it borders on the gallows humour which several of the foster
carers we have met display - we've always ascribed this to being a coping
mechanism for the glimpse into the darker sides of life which foster caring can
open up. Apologies to any foster carers out there... Maybe that's just the
folks we hang around with.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgayqUONDXvQOeaSuAhUziCWdQVxEGnN8OS2L8aJxeF5uH41Z74S5UqomeT0whqbWXXoRrz4aMJ4q7hXRKVudMrsoM8vcrCoJndWgqlqyS-YeNwn7gBPEdRWC8P-Wo53VWdpuLbFozkVF0/s1600/fixer-upper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgayqUONDXvQOeaSuAhUziCWdQVxEGnN8OS2L8aJxeF5uH41Z74S5UqomeT0whqbWXXoRrz4aMJ4q7hXRKVudMrsoM8vcrCoJndWgqlqyS-YeNwn7gBPEdRWC8P-Wo53VWdpuLbFozkVF0/s1600/fixer-upper.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">"Let's
see... '<i>Jasmine is beginning to learn how to show affection more
appropriately, particularly with strangers...</i>' Hmmm, rampant, raging attachment
disorder. She'd probably wander up to any random adult in the supermarket and
say, 'Can I come home with you?' What about this one? '<i>Jayden is a very
lively little boy who, his foster carer says, is always full of energy.</i>'
Hmm... ADHD!"</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Juliet
continued flipping through the brochure and suddenly exclaimed, "Ah ha!
I'd heard he had been approved for adoption. Can't believe it myself. Listen, '<i>Aiden
would best be placed in a home without other children or pets.</i>' Yeah, I
know that particular little boy. Frankly, he just likes tormenting and
torturing animals. Jack and Maggie had to get rid of their cat. Properly
aggressive too. He'd probably try exactly the same on any other kids in the
household. He's three and a half now. God knows what he'll be like when he's
bigger and stronger." We sat there slack jawed staring at Juliet.
"What?" She said innocently as she handed the brochure back.
"Hey, as far as I can see there are only a couple of those kids in there I
would even consider looking at."</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Sitting
back in her chair she repeated Denise's sentiment to us that the children who
are placed easily first are those who carry with them the fewest problems or
issues. I flipped through the pages again, a little shell shocked. Sure some
issues were obvious from the write-ups. Some were just a matter of a mis-match between two sets of demographics. We were aware that sibling groups were
always considered more difficult to place as the pool of adopters willing to
take on two or more children was more limited than those looking for just one.
Similarly, older children were also considered more difficult to place, particularly when
over 5 or 6 years old. The preference in the majority of prospective adopters was younger rather than older children. In our prep course there had been some discussion about
the apparently higher statistics on placement breakdown where children are
placed at older than this age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Then
there was the thorny problem of ethnic matching. Our Preparation Group had
almost come to blows with the trainers over this issue, with allegations of
"political correctness gone mad" being flung at them. However, it was
a fact that the statistical make up of the pool of prospective adopters (in our
county anyway) was heavily skewed towards white, middle class, heterosexual
couples. In a system which placed a particular premium on maximising the ethnic
match between children and adoptive parents (and where this could potentially over-ride other considerations), this made placing mixed race children or children from non-white
cultures more difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of this had
been covered comprehensively in our Preparation days but it did still seem
something of a self imposed restriction on the system.</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_IagatYIhXRWpsXoNBxMXeQLOcYUZmAuORh4g1rOZM_-sK_vOf7ur2MvPiCHJoUZE_N1XNsB8hsVENkslTpRtgQp_grTIUyoypKVFx3XoANpgL7_YbrzDJCVWTZv49bvbHp6uBSvSmto/s1600/HeartStrings-10inch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_IagatYIhXRWpsXoNBxMXeQLOcYUZmAuORh4g1rOZM_-sK_vOf7ur2MvPiCHJoUZE_N1XNsB8hsVENkslTpRtgQp_grTIUyoypKVFx3XoANpgL7_YbrzDJCVWTZv49bvbHp6uBSvSmto/s1600/HeartStrings-10inch.jpg" height="305" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">Then
there were the children who already displayed particular medical or behavioural
challenges. There were several profiles where these were made explicit in the
text. All of those would be more difficult to place. Still, these were all
children who needed and had the right to grow up in a loving, caring home with
parents who would love them and work with them to bring them the healing (of
what ever form) they might need. And we had watched this process in the last
two children Juliet had moved on. One had a medical condition which, while
needing ongoing management, had not stopped her from eventually<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>being successfully placed after appearing in
our county's "available children list". And now she was thriving with
her new "forever family" both medically and emotionally (although in both cases there was, of course, still a way to go). Juliet's next ward had been somewhat
different. Badly brain damaged after being shaken as a very young baby he had, at around two years
old, only reached the physical capabilities of a barely one year old (in itself
testament to the therapeutic care he had received from Juliet and a level of
progress which had astounded his doctors). His long term prognosis was not promising,
though, and after nearly two years "temporary" foster placement with
Juliet he had moved on to a long term, specialist foster caring placement.</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Bold"; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-font-kerning: .5pt;">The
booklet fell open at Aiden's entry. Of all the photos in the magazine his was, perhaps, the
most cherubic. His wide, blue eyes stared out of the page with an
appealing smile. Heart strings could not help but be tugged. Gosh, this was
hard. For a second I was just thankful that we had decided, for now, to side
step this part of the process. If we had to look through the brochures at a later
date to consider possible matches we wondered how on earth we would come to an
informed decision not just driven by emotion. Looking back now, I am only glad that circumstances spared us the need to do so...</span></div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-90593788843573080762014-01-27T12:00:00.000+00:002014-01-27T12:57:30.652+00:00Chapter 31 - Shopping from the baby catalogue<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRJqQdZ1N1EEy8AzmgdvdTk7QCFQYeGa0AZsc96ilDkc6Rfkgpw5LAOXceM5wcQCTcvhAcS7g3E-muZ_CfzcxRoah_FsvfOEbnrgPX5wQl3633WK_AI5h-uyqK-YxQNrB1qyrbb_UreE8/s1600/argos-catalogue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRJqQdZ1N1EEy8AzmgdvdTk7QCFQYeGa0AZsc96ilDkc6Rfkgpw5LAOXceM5wcQCTcvhAcS7g3E-muZ_CfzcxRoah_FsvfOEbnrgPX5wQl3633WK_AI5h-uyqK-YxQNrB1qyrbb_UreE8/s1600/argos-catalogue.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<h2>
Every little helps</h2>
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We first came across "Be My Parent" and "Children Who Wait" at one of the pre-preparation orientation evenings. I was browsing along the resources table at the back of the room looking at the Dan Hughes and Caroline Archer books when my eye spied what looked like a couple of women's magazines. Pictures of smiling happy faces beamed from the cover. "Oh well, I thought I'll have a browse and maybe do the adoption equivalent of the Cosmo quiz while I'm waiting." However, instead of an interesting article on Theraplay or facilitating attachment in adoptive placements I was faced by page after page of photos of munchkins. Each had a little write up about how lovely they were, how well they were developing at their foster placement and how they were looking for a mummy and daddy. Gulp. It was all a bit overwhelming. This was the real face of adoption. The real little lives looking for a transformation and a brighter future...</div>
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Once the initial wave of emotion had worn off and I began scanning through the entries a second emotion started to rise up - a slight queasiness. Unconsciously I had found myself thinking "Awwww... He's sweet." "Oh, I'm not sure I'd want to take on three..." "Wouldn't it be nice to have a little brother and sister." However, all of a sudden it all felt a bit too much like flipping through the Argos catalogue. Baby buying. Sibling shopping. Offspring ordering...</div>
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<br />
<a name='more'></a>Of course, that's a gross caricature of what Be My Parent and Children Who Wait are there for. And purely based on my own personal, irrational emotional response. These magazines and resources are, in fact, a hugely valuable resource to allow both prospective adopters and adoption agencies find matches for children, and in particular, children whom their home authorities have found more tricky to match within their own adopter pools. That said, I think that it was something which continued to colour my personal response to them throughout the adoption process. It was certainly part of the reason that we took the executive decision to allow the local authority family finders plenty of time to do their thing and choose a match for us. </div>
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But that decision was as much a logical as an emotional one. We reasoned that if we were to make a decision to pursue a match on the basis of a Children Who Wait entry it was very likely to be driven by an emotional response to a photo and made with only the sketchiest of information. Better, we thought, to allow the social workers who had access to the full dossiers of the looked after children in our local authority care and experience of weighing up potential matches to drive the process. I guess that it partly reflects our backgrounds and internal wiring. Although both emotionally demonstrative we have quite academic and scientific bents. Trusting to well established processes and procedures is something we are both comfortable with. But it is a delicate balance. We thought that we had waited long enough and worked hard enough to start a family that a few additional months waiting to get the right match for us was worthwhile. We could so easily have come down on the other side... "Heck, we have waited long enough. We've been approved, let's get on with it!" Certainly in our long dark tea times of the soul those thoughts and frustrations arose often enough.</div>
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For balance, I should point out that the route we chose is a purely personal preference which suited our personal emotional and psychological make up. It's by no means a principle we would want to see imposed across the board. As I stated before, these resources are extremely valuable tools for both agencies and prospective adopters and and we know many couples who have had extremely successful placements with children they have spotted in the pages of Be My Parent etc. As with so many things in life (and in adoption) it is just horses for courses...</div>
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Still, despite our executive decision to allow the local authority at least six months, <a href="http://adoptionjourneyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/chapter-29-post-approval-setting.html" target="_blank">the comments from Brian and Julie at the recent get-together</a> still resonated a little. Denise had clearly not been passing on to us the documentation which was being produced by our local authority on children who were available for adoption. That rankled on principle. Sure, we might not have intended to act on it but we should have been given access to it. Well, that was the subject matter of the next "Hello, we still exist!" phone call to Denise sorted.</div>
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This was the first of two pivotal conversations which confirmed that, on a personal basis, we had made the right decision for us. When we phoned Denise asking to see our authority's brochure she seemed quite defensive, actively trying to dissuade us from looking at it. "Honestly," she said, "There isn't a problem matching you. You really have been in the last few on a lot of occasions. And a lot of the children where you haven't been considered it is simply because you live too close to their birth parents. I think you would really be much better just waiting and letting the family finders find you the right match."</div>
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Then came the most telling comment... Denise's tone turned serious and, uncharacteristically, a little conspiratorial, "You know that it is only the, erm, 'harder to place' children who end up on these lists. There is a reason why certain children aren't matched easily and that is because they are the ones who carry more baggage with them... Have more issues and difficulties." She paused. "I still really think you should wait and see what the authority family finders can come up with. You really are there in the mix on all the children and the things that have scored you down have been things like where you live, not anything about you as a couple."</div>
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We reassured her that we were still holding fast to our decision to wait and see. That was why we hadn't extended out AdoptionUK membership or signed up to any of the online resources. However, we said, we were just curious to see the authority's own version - even if we weren't planning to take advantage of it. It ought to be available to us so we would like to exercise that right... Even if only out of curiosity.</div>
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Reluctantly she agreed on that basis. However from the tone of her voice she clearly wasn't all that happy about sending it to us.</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-43208548257223323352014-01-20T12:00:00.000+00:002014-01-20T18:08:36.525+00:00Chapter 30 - Post Approval: Equipping and filling time<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjArK5YqJu0geHYZjXsotTL3vpwKrVGx6dXrsbKLv2WX-PdTS28PCS4eRmLoIwiw-OMD1nThIXKp-UqhhK8Kp4bNUJf8QXV3AwREnOjPjYQSKH0VPcE1dIoXKr_9JkWv1M121bRyjAtAog/s1600/teacher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjArK5YqJu0geHYZjXsotTL3vpwKrVGx6dXrsbKLv2WX-PdTS28PCS4eRmLoIwiw-OMD1nThIXKp-UqhhK8Kp4bNUJf8QXV3AwREnOjPjYQSKH0VPcE1dIoXKr_9JkWv1M121bRyjAtAog/s1600/teacher.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<h2>
On the learning train</h2>
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I don't know how common it is across the various adoption agencies in the UK but it seemed like our local authority offered a pretty good programme of courses to equip prospective adopters in the weeks and months between passing through panel and being matched with a child. Of course, we had no benchmark but, still, we were keen to benefit from every bit of advice which we could... </div>
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Not that attending a training course is in any way real preparation for what parenthood, let alone adoption really means. But we were keen to hoover up any nuggets of insight which might come our way. Our academic backgrounds had hard wired us that way. I've already mentioned our keenness to dive into the adoption literature which had been signposted at the Orientation evenings and our surprise that, when we got to Preparation classes, we were the only ones who had done so. What can I say? Overachievers... Besides, we thought, it would be nice to network with other prospective adopters and to catch up with a variety of our fellow Preparation group members. </div>
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<a name='more'></a>Ah, the power of presumption. We were either astonished, or were completely unsurprised (it's hard to work out which), that across all the training courses we attended we only bumped into one of our fellow adoption group. Horses for courses, I suppose. However, since the training was free we were loath to look that gift house in the mouth.</div>
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The different courses which were offered covered a wide range of topics and, while of variable quality, were largely helpful. Across the weeks our Tuesday evenings became slowly filed up with training events. Of course, the value we derived and the quality varied from course to course but overall we felt that it was time well spent. Sure, the course on attachment was just a rehash of the things which we had heard on our preparation days covered in rather less detail but the course on the matching process was enlightening and entertaining. A particularly interesting role play and business game session really seemed to bring to life the complexity of the matching process and helped us understand better why (as Denise assured us) we had been close a few times. But more of that anon. The sessions on contact and social media were as worrying as they were valuable. The latter providing some interesting insight on how to screw down the privacy settings on our Facebook accounts as tightly as possible.</div>
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But by and far the most valuable post approval training course for us was one we didn't even go on! Again, I have no idea how widely this is matched by other authorities across the UK, but our adoption service offered a free "friends and family" course where our nearest and dearest could go along and learn a little more about what this adoption lark is really all about, the challenges which adoptive parents face and the roles they could play in easing our passage into a nuclear family. In the end my wife's parents and one of our pairs of referees signed up for the day. The training which they received was a microcosm of our preparation courses with an introduction to the challenges of building attachment in a child who has experienced trauma. The trainers helped the attendees gain a real appreciation of why "their" way of parenting might not be appropriate in the context of adoption and how to support their adopting friends/family members. After attending my wife's parents even spontaneously started a conversation with us about how they should never refer to the birth parents as the "real" parents. Gold dust!</div>
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Meanwhile we were continuing our charm offensive with Denise. Contacting her on a semi-regular basis to remind her that we still existed and dig for some information on how "it" was going. Repeatedly she reassured us that we had been close to being matched on two or three occasions - in the top two or three candidates. We weren't sure if that made us feel better or worse. Close but no cigar! Great!</div>
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So why were we not quite good enough, we asked? Although from the matching training we knew it was rarely such a simple question it felt good to push for a response. The response we got frankly seemed like the biggest of brush offs... "Actually, in pretty much the majority of cases it has just been a matter of geography. We have had a real influx of children from the areas where you and where your wife's parents live. Of course that means that you are excluded from consideration for those children. We still think of you both as one of our most suitable couples." Hmmm... </div>
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"Yeah, as if..." we thought. "There's a patronising pat on the head if we ever heard one!" Turns out that Denise was playing it with a totally straight bat. But that is for a later chapter...</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-89069847273819402302014-01-13T12:00:00.000+00:002014-01-13T12:00:01.729+00:00Chapter 29 – Post approval: Setting a direction<h2 class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIQq8N72_NV5A0wQeGxk-oqQz82oLsRIUgSXbu1gGN-dgwO5vwKwyOVhJj0fEv_GlcF1RsYSWc-KR6xbbg01cW1hMQ_Tsb6vlXfpS-A774Jf4xKKUNhGslZI3x9bkFkY4yqEA7NN7PV-U/s1600/blogger-image-821001317.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIQq8N72_NV5A0wQeGxk-oqQz82oLsRIUgSXbu1gGN-dgwO5vwKwyOVhJj0fEv_GlcF1RsYSWc-KR6xbbg01cW1hMQ_Tsb6vlXfpS-A774Jf4xKKUNhGslZI3x9bkFkY4yqEA7NN7PV-U/s320/blogger-image-821001317.jpg" width="252" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIQq8N72_NV5A0wQeGxk-oqQz82oLsRIUgSXbu1gGN-dgwO5vwKwyOVhJj0fEv_GlcF1RsYSWc-KR6xbbg01cW1hMQ_Tsb6vlXfpS-A774Jf4xKKUNhGslZI3x9bkFkY4yqEA7NN7PV-U/s640/blogger-image-821001317.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIQq8N72_NV5A0wQeGxk-oqQz82oLsRIUgSXbu1gGN-dgwO5vwKwyOVhJj0fEv_GlcF1RsYSWc-KR6xbbg01cW1hMQ_Tsb6vlXfpS-A774Jf4xKKUNhGslZI3x9bkFkY4yqEA7NN7PV-U/s640/blogger-image-821001317.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a></h2>
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</a>Finding a purpose<br />
Having discovered ourselves in limbo it was clear that we needed a game plan. We were the third or fourth couple in our group to be approved into the adoption register and already a number of those were being matched. About a month or two after we had been approved we had another big adoption group get together. Several of the couples were in the throes of the last stages of the approval process - their haggard and concerned look was familiar to us. We'd seen it in the mirror often enough only a month or so before.<br />
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Another two couples were proudly sharing their matching experience, preparing for matching panel and thinking forward to introductions. For us it was still seemingly radio silence. Sure we had our ritual of reminding Denise that we still existed. However, despite the frustrations of seeing others ploughing ahead we were set on our patient approach.</div>
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Didn't make it any easier to cope with though.</div>
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<a name='more'></a>It was at the get together, while relaxing over a post-prandial beer that Brian, our friendly neighbourhood prop-forward plonked down next to me. "So, Julie says that you've still not heard anything. Not been matched." I responded with a shrug in a non-committal manner. "Nah, you're going about it all wrong, mate. You need to keep giving it a shove. Push the whole thing forward. Hassle your social worker to send you all the info on all the kids who are up for grabs."</div>
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All through the approvals process we had stood aghast at Brian and Julie's ability to wind their social worker around their fingers. To get him to do just exactly whatever they wanted. It had certainly seemed to have worked for them. They had been browsing through our county's own internal version of "Children Who Wait" trying to decide which children they would go for since long before they had been approved. Thinking about Denise's methodical by-the-book manner I allowed myself an internal smile, thinking about the polite but firm pat on the head which our trying to do the same would have produced. It isn't necessarily as easy as all that. All through the adoption preparation process we had gently pushed to see where Denise's limits and soft spots were. What we received was a gentle but firm push back. There were lines... They were clearly marked... They would not be crossed, thank you very much. We had quickly come to an understanding of how it would all work. Denise's understanding of how it would all work.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh968TUWOBO8M_oIMTzF3eovmmJSDdhrcIQZYStSmgO9ndo4SMDNZ6edI0ILkd9c0FpCq2uUsJ7GSWT7ZLWZH5GE3UDsb9stYe77EcGovYbincGvVFRTMKtxpS0sGFs_LukGRxkYh1okc4/s640/blogger-image--428877624.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh968TUWOBO8M_oIMTzF3eovmmJSDdhrcIQZYStSmgO9ndo4SMDNZ6edI0ILkd9c0FpCq2uUsJ7GSWT7ZLWZH5GE3UDsb9stYe77EcGovYbincGvVFRTMKtxpS0sGFs_LukGRxkYh1okc4/s320/blogger-image--428877624.jpg" width="320" /></a>And frankly, Brian and Julie's bull-at-a-gate approach to life wouldn't have rested easily on our shoulders. No. We had made a decision and we were content to live with it. We had considered looking through "Be My Parent" and the like and decided that, for now, we would not rush into that. We resolved to give the social services a good clear six or seven months to do their thing. After that point we would reconsider and decide if the time was right to become a little more proactive.</div>
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Not that we wouldn't keep up our gentle "remember us campaign". However, for now we chose to trust the social workers and let them get on with their jobs...</div>
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It still wasn't easy as we watched a number of our fellow travellers go through the linking, matching and introductions process over the coming few months. Again, we would turn up at the odd evening post-approval training course and introduce ourselves during the obligatory round the circle point of the evening. Each time we were quietly amazed at the number of couples who were passing through the process in a manner that Denise (and all the Local Authority guidelines) would not have approved of... "We are going to adoption panel next month and we've been matched with a little girl of 3 years old..." WHAT?? "We were approved last month and a week later we were matched with..." REALLY?? Time after time we had to take a big deep breath and tell ourselves, "No, we've made our decision about how we are going to play this. We know that it is the right way for us. We know that it is the right way to work with Denise. We know that we have made the right decision for us for now..." Still, GRRRRRRRR!</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-4237672473697511892014-01-08T11:47:00.001+00:002014-01-10T17:48:20.445+00:00Chapter 28 – Post approval: So what now?<h2 class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVfb3i5IB0TeCSxXrxXO45YZKHh280quZMDuFuMasKvgoz0PNFWt_DM_3HVa_d5lMfv8Tc-GthKT3Yp9NgxbS3kZAXHQIr_KWoWDxXsccoQMQbZOdpqqPFoBlw03DZ_MbTfZo34M_EdFQ/s640/blogger-image--160808062.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVfb3i5IB0TeCSxXrxXO45YZKHh280quZMDuFuMasKvgoz0PNFWt_DM_3HVa_d5lMfv8Tc-GthKT3Yp9NgxbS3kZAXHQIr_KWoWDxXsccoQMQbZOdpqqPFoBlw03DZ_MbTfZo34M_EdFQ/s320/blogger-image--160808062.jpg" width="320" /></a>Dancing in limbo</h2>
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So, the last two years had been leading up to this moment. All our efforts seemed to have been funnelling down into a single hour in the offices of our Local Authority Children's Services department. And now here we were... Officially... legally...declared as being fit to be parents. The last two weeks waiting for the letter from Social services to confirm the Decision Officer's... well, decision... had been interminable. The days dragged by with us looking longingly at the letter box each time we walked past. Now here were were with the confirmation letter in our hands.</div>
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But what now? With the release had come a slight sense of emptiness and bewilderment. It was like our overriding purpose in life had been removed. </div>
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There were a few things we did know. Now that we had received the official approval letter from the Authority's Decision Officer Denise would continue to be our social worker (although, of course her time was now focused on other active cases in her portfolio). We would be given temporary membership of Adoption UK. Post approval training courses would be available to us and we would be informed of them as they came up. We should now be considered as potential matches against available children and those who became available. And then it went quiet. Horribly quiet. Scarily quiet.</div>
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We started to wonder if it was something we had said...</div>
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<a name='more'></a>Part of the problem was that over the last 9 months we had become unwitting attention junkies. We had spent every moment as the epicentre of a needy and invasive process. There was a point where we wondered whether we should start charging Denise rent! The whole of our world orbited around the single objective - getting us approved as adopters. The come down from that high would have been bad enough but now the system didn't need to worry about us either. The radio silence was deafening.</div>
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I guess that the timing didn't help either. It was that mellow time when autumn turns into winter and, of course, the world was winding down towards the Christmas break. There were no more training courses to tell us about so why send us any circulars? The admin folk hadn't yet added us to all the mailing lists and circulars. Everything was preparing to shut up shop until the New Year. </div>
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We hadn't even thought about Christmas. At least we would only need to wait until the New Year for the system to spring back into action. Speaking to friends who had been approved in June or July, they experienced the same thing but across the long hot summer holiday. Truly frustrating. At least we how had Christmas preparations to occupy our minds.</div>
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We had just recently had an adoption group get together when we could catch up on each other's progress. Of our group of eight couples three had already been approved as we approached our panel date. One those, one couple was already rushing to squeeze in intros before Christmas. Intros with the baby they had been matched with <em>before</em> they had been approved. Hmm... The other two announced, just before Christmas, that they had been matched with respectively a little girl and a pair of little girls. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguKvpr5CPSCk0dhvT4a0QVtZY7exwFS8BTqZe2aFwVb2XYMhXva6GOKMvEGLvkDxbCix5aiSoUEDPzaeA6cEFHtA11KqLUBIshD-K7IG-1HLqDRkJX8MrZQjCVrY0YStAmFu9bZzjuwVw/s640/blogger-image-480908482.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguKvpr5CPSCk0dhvT4a0QVtZY7exwFS8BTqZe2aFwVb2XYMhXva6GOKMvEGLvkDxbCix5aiSoUEDPzaeA6cEFHtA11KqLUBIshD-K7IG-1HLqDRkJX8MrZQjCVrY0YStAmFu9bZzjuwVw/s320/blogger-image-480908482.jpg" width="320" /></a>As the radio silence seemed to continue through January we realised that we needed a game plan. If we were to maintain our sanity then we would need to, somehow, fool ourselves into thinking that we were making progress... that somehow we had a hand on our own destinies. A facade it might be but it was a necessary one to maintain our peace of mind. We weren't used to being passive recipients. We needed to impose some sense of action and direction on our lives. We drew up a long list of questions which we wanted to ask Denise. It wasn't hard. We did genuinely have a pretty long list of questions to ask or things to check up on. </div>
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And then we started a concerted (but subtle) campaign of reminding her that we still existed. Every other week or so we would drop her a text or give her a phone call with a question or an enquiry on how matching was progressing... It was a delicate balance to strike - staying on her radar without becoming a nag or an annoyance. When we asked whether we were being considered for all the children coming up for adoption Denise assured us that, yes indeed, we were in the mix. </div>
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Still, it didn't feel like we were getting any further forward. Very soon it became clear that we needed to settle on an over arching strategy...</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-1801666135791216812013-10-30T23:19:00.002+00:002013-10-31T07:07:12.898+00:00Chapter 27 – Adoption Panel Day<div>
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And so the big day finally arrived... We had been doing a bit of preparation over the weekend before our panel date. Reading back through reports, checking out what the social workers considered to be our strengths and weaknesses as individuals, as a couple and as prospective parents for an adopted child. We thought through a few possible questions and how we might respond and then discussed how we might try to box and cox between each other when speaking to the panel. We were aware that we should ensure that both of us had a good chance to speak, that we shouldn't cut across each other or hog the conversation... We set out strategies and game plans.</div>
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Then it struck us just how odd it was that we were working out such definitive strategies for an experience for which we had absolutely no precedent in our lives to date. Just how would the meeting go? Sure, Denise had talked us through the format. We would arrive at the social services building at the appointed time and Denise would meet us and take us to a waiting room. Once the panel had a short time to discuss our case they would invite Denise in to discuss the case in more detail and to hear her recommendations. This should take around half an hour - give or take... After a further short discussion we would be invited in and the panel would ask us a few questions. After we returned to our waiting room the panel would make a final decision and... that would be that. Maybe.</div>
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<a name='more'></a>While, of course, the hoped outcome would be an approval there were other options open to the panel. Denise reassured us that in most cases an outright rejection was rare. And frankly... if that happened it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. The concerns of the social workers etc should be pretty obvious to all in such a case. More common was some sort of qualified decision or a deferment of a decision pending some issue being sorted out. Again, if that was a likelihood she said that it should be apparent to all parties as a possibility. There would most likely be serious issues of some sort which were not yet addressed or there might be something which flagged a concern for the panel which they wanted to see fully addressed before approval.</div>
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Some of our friends from our Preparation Course found themselves in this position. Their teenage daughter was attending, as a day girl, a prestigious private school the other side of the county from her home. This resulted in her mum doing a round trip each day which probably added up to a couple of hours or more. The panel weren't happy that this should be part of a newly adopted child's daily routine... hardly quality time, they pointed out. They wanted this to be addressed before they would be willing to approve the couple onto the adoption register. The couple discussed all this with their daughter and thought about the options... Commuting to school without the help of mum and dad's taxi service, the father taking over the school run and incorporating this into his working routine, moving school to a more local one, spending the weeks as a boarder (coming home for long weekends)...? An accommodation was made which the panel were content with and, after the unexpected delay, they were approved.</div>
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As a childless couple working in sectors which were known to be rather more flexible when it came to work life balance and family issues our position was rather more simple. Denise was confident that there were few issues which could cause an impediment to our approval. Past health issues had been a concern for both of us all the way through the process as we were unsure how the panel would view both our previous medical histories. Denise reassured us that all were content that these no longer posed a difficulty and shouldn't prevent us from being approved. Still, we wondered... </div>
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As the morning of the panel arrived that reassurance was something which we were very much clinging on to. We aren't stressy people. To most we probably would have looked like an oasis of calm as we got out of the car in the social services headquarters that morning. However, the background stress was eating away at our nerves and our tummies were a churning mass of butterflies. Well, we thought, here goes nothing!l</div>
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As we sat in the waiting room, having been reassured again by Denise that she was confident we would be approved, it was hard not to feel waves of stress rising inside. So much effort and expectation was being funnelled down into this single hour. After Denise had been in the meeting room talking to the panel for what seemed like three days but was really more like twenty minutes, the panel chair came into introduce herself to us and escort us into the room. The next twenty minutes rushed past in a blur. As we expected, the panel asked a few questions around our weakness, dug more deeply into our relationships with the various children in our lives and asked some seemingly general questions around privacy, social media and how we anticipated that having a child would change our lives (well, apart from completely!).</div>
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Once everyone seemed to have had their turn we were ushered out only to be joined a few minutes later by Denise. It was interesting to hear her perspective of her discussions with the panel (largely positive) and she was kind enough to comment that the panel had found it hard to find difficult questions to ask us - which seemed to be a good sign. A few minutes later the panel chair came back in to tell us that the panel would be recommending us for approval and invited us back into the meeting room.</div>
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We trooped back into the meeting room in a bit of a daze. The panel said some nice things to us and wished us well but, frankly, that few minutes was just a haze. The panel chair explained that the recommendation of the panel would be forwarded to the Local Authority's "Decision Officer" for their approval. This was a senior official who was personally accountable for all panel decisions. They would review the paperwork, the notes of the panel meeting and then take their decision. The chair emphasised that it was possible for the Decision Officer to decide against the panel recommendation should they consider that there were still issues which they felt had not been fully addressed. But, she said, this only happened very rarely. It would be a week or so before the Decision Officer would have the paperwork and make their decision so we should get formal confirmation of our approval in around a couple of weeks.</div>
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With that there were smiles and handshakes all round and we trooped out of the room, shaking ever so slightly. We said good bye to Denise (her formal and efficient veneer removed for the first time she gave us each a huge hug, and then a group hug just for good measure) and then we determined to head to the coffee shop across the street from the Social Services building for a nice strong drink (of coffee).</div>
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And then the loveliest thing happened... As we got into reception, heading for the front door we saw our friend Juliet, a foster carer, sitting in reception. "Oh," we thought, "She must have a fostering meeting, what a coincidence." We were in such a daze that it didn't register that she was clutching a large bunch of flowers. Seeing us she sprung up and said "Well?" We told her the good news to which she replied, "Of course! I knew they would!" and thrust then bunch of flowers into my wife's hand, following that up by throwing her arms around both of us. Tears ensued...</div>
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The previous Sunday at church she had been asking us all about the details of our panel date... When, where and so forth... On the pretext of wanting to pray for us when we were having our panel - which, I'm sure she also did - but behind that she had also been plotting a surprise for us. Wiping the inevitable tears from our eyes we all barrelled out of the building, across the road and into the cafe. It was only about half an hour later when we'd started to calm down a little that the thought occurred to us... "So, what next?"</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-56374493184547842762013-10-24T23:14:00.001+01:002013-10-29T11:38:34.272+00:00Chapter 26: Paperwork and panels<div>
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<b>Full disclosure...</b></h2>
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Home Study is a pretty intensive process and there is a lot of work to get through. The paperwork which is sent to panel is pretty extensive (I do wonder just how much of it actually gets read - but still, it's there on file to prove that the Social Services have properly covered all the bases should anything go wrong...). But panel is the huge looming target towards which you are inexorably heading. The crunch day...</div>
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In good old X-Factor results programme style, therefore, perhaps I should artificially build up the tension a bit before I tell you about the day itself and the outcome. So... (Adopts Ant and Dec Geordie accent). The winner is... Dum dum dum... Dum dum dum...</div>
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Well, to fill in the time, perhaps it would be useful to look at just what goes to panel and who, in the case of our Local Authority, they are...</div>
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<a name='more'></a><b>Paperwork</b>: There is a lot a stuff in your panel paperwork. Our copies pretty comprehensively filled up an A4 ring binder - and we didn't have all the confidential stuff. The panel gets even more... However, here's a breakdown of what we know was provided.</div>
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<li><b>Prospective Adopters’ Report</b>: Based on a BAAF format. Compiled by your social worker, this is the main report on which the panel make their decisions. Particularly important to consider in the run up to panel are the sections on the applicants' strengths and weaknesses. This, inevitably, provides some clues on the avenues which the panel may wish to explore when they invite you into the panel meeting.</li>
<li><b>Life Maps</b>: A graphical depiction of all the key events in your life and whether they were positive or negative experiences</li>
<li><b>Family trees</b></li>
<li><b>Eco-Map</b>: A chart which sets out your main social and support networks</li>
<li><b>Finance declaration and analysis</b></li>
<li><b>Health and Safety form </b>(including pet questionnaire and firearms questionnaire)</li>
<li><b>A Day In The Life:</b> A report setting out what an “average” day might comprise of before and after placement</li>
<li><b>Matching Matrix: </b>This is the document where you set out what you are willing to accept in a child, what are absolutes (e.g. number, gender, age etc) and what are negotiable. </li>
<li><b>Sexual Preferences Form:</b> although, fortunately, in our case we didn't need to fill this one in... Phew!</li>
<li><b>Employment Histories:</b> including basic references from employers verifying you really are no you are and that you do really have a job and an income!</li>
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Other documents included:</div>
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<li><b>Medical Reports</b></li>
<li><b>Any formal psychological and attachment style assessments</b></li>
<li><b>Preparation Day homework and exercises</b></li>
<li><b>Home study homework and exercises</b></li>
<li><b>Reflective Diaries</b></li>
<li><b>Referees’ reports and Social Worker's reports on referee interviews</b></li>
<li><b>Reports from childcare experience supervisors</b></li>
<li><b>Reports on visits to Foster Carer, Adoptive Parent and Adopters Play-scheme</b></li>
<li><b>Sample Welcome Book</b></li>
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<b>Panel</b>: Of course, then there's another question... Just who are these people who will make long lasting decisions on our futures? What are their qualifications? It's hard for any individual adopter to know precisely how things differ between their own experiences and those of others going through the process with different authorities. However, in our authority there was an attempt to ensure that the were voices on the panel, independent voices, which would reflect the various different interests operating within the adoption process.</div>
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Below is a list of the different representatives which sit on the adoption and matching panels for our local authority. The panel itself will have a minimum quorum so it may be that not all the members will be able to attend every session. However, since they all work within a similar regulatory framework, I imagine that most panels will have a somewhat similar mix of membership...</div>
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Example Panel make up:</div>
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<li><b>Chair</b> - who may chair all incarnations of the adoption and/or matching panels for your agency.</li>
<li><strong>Children’s Services Social Worker</strong> - most likely several, possibly reflecting different elements of the child and the adopters' journeys.</li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><b>Local Councillor </b>- (in the case of a Local Authority adoption service - to provide accountability to the elected members of the council who have collective democratic oversight for all the activities of the executive branch of the council).</span></li>
<li><b>Local Authority/Agency Medical Advisor</b></li>
<li><b>Other Agency special advisors</b></li>
<li><b>An adult who has experienced being adopted</b></li>
<li><b>Birth-parent who has given a child up for adoption</b></li>
<li><b>Adoptive parent </b></li>
<li><b>Foster carer </b></li>
<li><b>“Independent Panel Member”</b> - of whatever shape or form...</li>
<li><b>Admin support/secretariat/notes taker</b></li>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-36233309431930278002013-10-15T23:02:00.001+01:002013-10-15T23:02:47.149+01:00Chapter 25 – The Home Straight: Home-study visits continued<div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><b>Welcome to our humble abode... </b></span></h2>
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Our panel date was only a few weeks away and all our discussions with Denise over the time since filling in the matching matrix had concentrated on dotting "T's" and crossing "I's". Or at least that is what it felt like. </div>
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Every day or so my wife would get a call or a text, "So, was it your parents who were freedom fighters in the Guatemalan civil war and Derek's who ran away to join the circus?" "No, it's the other way round. Oh, and by the way, my husband's name isn't Derek!" It's the type of detail that you'd think might have stuck... And so it continued. You had to admire Denise's commitment to getting the details and the flavour right.</div>
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Still, it wasn't a surprise that when Denise emailed us her report on us to proof read there were still a lot of mix ups and little errors. Still, that is what proof reading is for, I suppose. </div>
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<a name='more'></a>The report made for some interesting reading. It was fascinating to see what a third party made of us as individuals and as a couple. Fortunately it was all positive. Well, pretty much... Denise had assured us that she was content that we had ticked all her boxes and that she would be making a strong recommendation to panel. The report seemed to reflect that. Sure there were a few things which we had to convince ourselves of but largely it was very positive. Most helpful was a little section towards the end which listed in bullet point form our particular strengths and, more importantly, any of our weaknesses. Things to which the panel would need to give particular thought in coming to their decision. </div>
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A couple of the "cons" derived from Sandra's initial and (we thought) biased, unrepresentative reports but most of the others were things we were aware of. It was gold dust nonetheless. This was the stuff which was being flagged to the panel to think hard about and dig into. Hmmm... I wonder what topics they might question us on when we were interviewed by the panel? In the end, having concentrated on those issues and having thought of some model answers to possible questions paid dividends. Both in terms of actually answering the questions which were asked and in terms of feeling prepared before panel. We knew that we had done our best and had prepared - a surprisingly effective confidence builder.</div>
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As we wound up our last topping and tailing meeting with Denise, with just two and a half weeks to go before panel the first chink in her efficient armour appeared. "Great, that's everything on my list to check. I think we're there! So I'll just grab your Welcome Book and we're done." My wife and I looked at each other and chimed in unison, "Welcome Book?" "Your sample Welcome Book. The one you've prepared. Panel will need to look at it."</div>
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More blank looks. "Welcome Book... I asked you to prepare one." She glanced from one blank face to another. "I did ask you to prepare one for Panel. Erm... Didn't I?" "What's a Welcome Book?" "Ah..."</div>
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Denise explained that it was a photo book which your prospective child's foster carers would use to prepare the child for introductions. Pictures of you, your house, your family, their bedroom and so on... "Don't worry," said Denise, "There's loads of stuff online you can copy... Can you get it to me on Monday?" And off she went! </div>
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Right, it's Friday afternoon - where to find a suitable little scrapbook or photo album? OK, so Smiths and Boots are still open. We can sort out some photos tonight and get them printed tomorrow. As we headed out of the house I grabbed the camera and took some shots of the car, the front of the house and, with the help of a makeshift tripod, us standing at the the front door welcoming our theoretical new child into their new home.</div>
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It's amazing how quickly a firm impression forms in your mind of what a new concept should look like... And how rarely the shelves of your local shopping centre match that. There were some dilemmas to discuss... Blue? Pink? No, let's go neutral. What size? An hour later we had a little stripy photo album in a WH Smiths bag and a plan for other photos to take that evening to populate the Welcome Book.</div>
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The loft was raided for old cuddly toys, ancient children's books and some other non gender specific paraphernalia and a corner of the spare room was transformed into a convincing enough fake nursery. Say cheese. Snap!</div>
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The toys were taken downstairs and "mummy" was photographed playing in the living room. Snap! "Daddy" was found chopping up some fruit for tea in the kitchen. Snap! There was "mummy" sitting in the garden reading a book. Snap! "Daddy" was relaxing in the dining room playing guitar. Snap! Right that should be enough staged shots to be going on with... By Sunday evening we had printed our photos and dug out other shots of family. After an evening with a Pritt Stick we finally had a book that we were more or less happy with and my wife agreed that she would take a detour on the way to work the following morning and drop it off for Denise at the Social Services office.</div>
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That was it. All the work had been done. The dossier was complete. The panel date was booked. Apart from some last minute question cramming there was little that we could do now other than sit and bite our fingernails.</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-16959766677780162992013-10-07T14:00:00.000+01:002013-10-07T14:00:09.735+01:00Chapter 24 – Entering the (Matching) Matrix: Home-study visits continued<div>
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<b>T<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">he final(ish) furlong</span></b></h2>
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Have you ever wanted to feel like a really callous, heartless heel? Ever wanted to prove to yourself that you don't have a shred of compassion and common decency hidden anywhere in the deepest recesses of your soul? Then I suggest that you apply to become an adopter. </div>
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"Hang on a minute," I hear you saying, " What about all this therapeutic parenting business and all this playful, accepting, caring, empathic stuff you've been banging on about? What about giving a young life a new start in a forever family? What about all the noble, rewarding stuff?" </div>
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Well yes, of course... All that stuff is true and I didn't say you actually were a complete heel. I just asked if you wanted to feel like one.<br />
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At the end of our previous visit Denise had handed us a deceptively innocuous looking form. About three or four pages long it was mostly a multiple choice, tick box exercise. She said that we should look through it carefully the in the run up to the next meeting and think about how we would want to fill it in. We'd then work through it question by question in the following session.</div>
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This was the "Matching Matrix". And it would be one of the most difficult parts of the process for us. Now, put away your Raybans and black leather trench coats, it's not that Matrix. This one is much scarier! This was the single document which would most profoundly affect what our child would be like, who they would be and potentially how long before they would join our family. No pressure then...</div>
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The Matching Matrix is the document which authority and agency family finders use to decide whether a particular set of parents should be considered for matching against any child. It sets out in great detail the particular Yes, No and Maybes about the type of child you are willing to accept as adoptive parents. "So what?" I hear you say, "You have to jot down a few particulars about the child you want... Blue eyes or brown eyes, black hair, blonde hair or ginger? What's the big deal?" Well, you'll be able to keep saying that for the first page or so and then it gets hard. Properly hard...</div>
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Adopted kids can bring with them a range of experiences and characteristics that most natural parents can barely dream of and certainly wouldn't wish on their own children. Neglect, abuse, injuries, medical and psychological conditions... Then there's the known and unknown genetic factors which will play into their little lives... The question is, what can you deal with? What are you willing to deal with.</div>
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And of course, on a slightly more trivial level it has an effect on how long you may have to wait to be matched. If you're willing to accept anything then the field of children is wide open, if your child absolutely must be a blonde haired, hazel eyed little girl of between 18 and 24 months with no developmental delay issues, no history of abuse or neglect and a cute, turned up nose... Well, you may just have to wait a while for that particular combination to come up and even then you might turn out to be third best match...</div>
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We'd discussed this sort of stuff in, we thought, quite a bit of detail. For us the headline was, and remained, that we wanted to bring up a child who had a good prospect of becoming a functioning, independent adult. We also wanted a child of up to 4 years old. We liked the idea of having a clear year or more to build ourselves as a family before things like school got in the way. Oh, and we were happy to adopt up to two children so siblings were in but equally we wouldn't say an absolute "No" to one child. Beyond that we were pretty easy on the details. So that made page 1 fairly easy.</div>
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That was genuinely the easy part... Gender, Age, Physical qualities, Number of children...</div>
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On the second page things started to get a little more difficult. Would we be willing to accept a child with slight, significant, severe developmental delay. Denise noted that most adopted children did show some developmental delay but that this could often be caught up over time when in a stable, supportive, therapeutic adoption placement. Fine. What about medical issues. Well, we'd both experienced a number of medical issues so they're don't hold a fear for us. Various boxes were ticked - hole in the heart, diabetes, cleft palate, hearing difficulties and so on. Others were considered a no no, particularly those which would require ongoing intervention and caring right into adulthood. Once again our touchstone was the ability to become an independent adult.</div>
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We took the same approach to mental and psychological conditions. Some were "in", some were "out". Again we'd had some first hand experience of friends with mental illness and we knew that some we could cope with, some we could not. Or at least we didn't want to volunteer for a strong risk of those conditions becoming part of our family life.</div>
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We knew that we were making the right decisions. We knew that we had to be dispassionate and make decisions which would be the best for our family but, by goodness, did we feel awful every time a tick went into the "No" box. We are both compassionate people at heart and to be actively saying to a hypothetical child, "No, we don't want to be compassionate to you!" Was hard. So back to my initial question. Want to feel like a heel? Fill in one of these forms.</div>
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Denise was great, though, and very supportive throughout the process. She reassured us that we were doing the right thing in setting out where our limits lay. To lie about this would only be damaging to us, to our relationship and to the child in the long run. Some people were called to look after very severely a disabled or handicapped children, she said. But they were a particular and special breed. It wasn't a reflection on us and we shouldn't feel guilty if that wasn't our particular calling. </div>
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Still felt awful though. And that was before we had got to the really difficult stuff... Neglect, abuse, sexual abuse, severe degrees of physical and mental handicap and so on...</div>
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Eventually the form was completed and we felt, more or less, content with our choices. We now had our panel date and from here on in a lot of our interactions with Denise seemed to concentrate on fact checking as she started writing up all her final reports. However, unbeknownst to all three of us, there was,still one more discussion to have...</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-48986133000258436472013-10-03T21:13:00.001+01:002014-02-19T12:12:30.909+00:00Chapter 23 – Cross References: Home-study visits continued<div>
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<b>SCREAMING FEEDBACK!</b></h2>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">In the workplace it is pretty normal to expect to be appraised on a regular basis. The current fashion for 360 degree feedback means that we're regularly asking all and sundry to comment on us as workers and as people. Conducting a 360 degree feedback appraisal among your family and friends is somewhat rarer. Doubly so when you are really not supposed to have any clues about what they have said about you.</span></div>
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And so here we are at this stage of the process. The bit where our family and friends spill the dirt about how rubbish we'll be as parents. Erm... sorry, I mean provide extra colour about us as a couple and how we are likely to be as parents... </div>
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I've already talked in a previous chapter of this story about the twists and turns we experienced in choosing our referees. The choosing in itself is a particularly stressful process, full of scope to second guess yourself and indulge in conspiracy theories about that your family and friends really think about you. The most striking thing was, given that the number of family members you could nominate was strictly limited, just how hard it was to think up six or eight nominees to be referees.</div>
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<a name="more"></a>We're lucky that, being regular members of a church community, we've got a wide range of friends. Still, which of them are qualified to comment on us as people and parents? Despite this large community, your intimate friends - those who really know you - are actually a select bunch. Those whom you would trust to give the best impression to a stranger assessing you for the most important selection process in your life is an even more select group. So despite a pretty huge number of potential people to choose from the decision to plump for just six was agonisingly hard. Once again, it's another part of the process where the stakes seem to be so incredibly high and the pressure to make the right decision (whatever that might be) weighs heavily on your shoulders.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh_GM4e73VcIBdt374AicMMCIiEP-w4Bbp93ZNvpaMUh7fTnz8rZ-yeTvkJgNTD8sIg9i1vKpcQM9kcjwNopnzNJ2C8qbHuMsHWbY03Y4QIp9axZLifiIYCM1oDe07RykyV2TZYSg4V7Y/s640/blogger-image-1370346190.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh_GM4e73VcIBdt374AicMMCIiEP-w4Bbp93ZNvpaMUh7fTnz8rZ-yeTvkJgNTD8sIg9i1vKpcQM9kcjwNopnzNJ2C8qbHuMsHWbY03Y4QIp9axZLifiIYCM1oDe07RykyV2TZYSg4V7Y/s320/blogger-image-1370346190.jpg" width="320"></a>And so we're back in cape-swishing, moustache-twirling melodrama once again. But that's the reality of the adoption process. The self imposed and process imposed pressures seem so very, very great from inside looking out. Wood for the trees, I know... But the ability to see things that clearly while going through assessment is a rare gift. It's surprising just how often you end up feeling like that silent movie heroine; struggling, tied to the railway tracks, waiting for someone to rescue you while the system stands there laughing and rubbing its hands.</div>
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Anyway, office dragon shaped blips notwithstanding, we had made our choices of referee and now it was Denise's turn to make some choices... Which three of our referees would she interview? Well, one of our referees had moved to Brussels for work a few months before and there was no way that the travel budget was going to run to a ride on the Eurostar! So that narrowed the field down. My wife's parents were a no brainer choice and they lived in the same town as Denise so that helped with the mileage claims too! Our best friends, Issy's parents, seemed like a good choice as they could comment first hand on how we had performed in our favourite Uncle and Aunt duties. We would have liked to have nominated my wife's brother and wife as we were godparents to their now teenage boy but that would have hit the travel budget again so that just left two equally qualified referees... The process of choosing between them wasn't quite eenie-meenie-miney-mo but it wasn't far off... So, the team sheet was as follows... Mum and Dad, Issy's parents and Dick and Katie (an older couple we'd known for nigh on fifteen years). On this occasion our remaining referees, Michael and Suzie, would need to sit it out on the subs' bench.</div>
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We agreed to phone the victims that afternoon to warn them that they should expect a call from Denise to set up a mutually convenient time for a chat. And so the principle of best-laid-plans struck again. It turned out that Dick and Katie were off the following week for a grand tour of relative visiting in the States. They'd be gone for about 6 weeks - perfectly matching the time left in Denise's diary for doing the visits and writing up the reports. </div>
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So Dick and Katie were shown the red card and Michael and Suzie were told to get warming up on the touch line. The interviews went ahead and Denise started writing up summaries of her conversations. And we, of course, plugged each of the interviewees for information on what had been said.</div>
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We weren't meant to see the written reports which our referees had sent in a few months earlier. These were never shared as we prepared for panel. Neither were the reports on the interviews. However, some of our friends did send us copies of what they had written about us. Fortunately it was all pretty glowing stuff and followed a standard questionnaire format aimed at drawing out the apposite facts about is (along with a few which raised a smile or an eyebrow). There were a number which were pretty predictable. How were we as a couple? How much had they seen of us interacting with children? What did they know about why we wanted to adopt? How much did we seem to have really prepared ourselves mentally for the changes parenthood would bring? How did they think we'd cope with kids? What did they think we'd find hardest about the transition?</div>
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Then there were the questions about our criminal records. Were they aware of any? Personally, I'd have to plead guilty to an Emerson Lake and Palmer LP and ask for several Status Quo singles to be taken into consideration! There were questions about whether there was any reason why we'd pose a risk to children... Well, I suppose they DO have to ask...</div>
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In parallel with this, Denise was data gathering from other sources... She visited the nursery where my wife was volunteering to interview the senior staff, she interviewed the leaders of the crèche at church and she contacted our employers (to check that we were who we really were and that we did actually have jobs, I suppose...).</div>
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We now had our panel date and from here on in a lot of our interactions with Denise seemed to concentrate on fact checking as she started writing up all her final reports. However, there was one more big discussion to have...</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934655191016661822.post-37682394393167898322013-09-24T21:41:00.000+01:002013-09-27T07:01:54.626+01:00Chapter 22 – Out and about again: Home-study visits continued<div>
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A different journey</h2>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Our first day out at Denise's behest had gone well. Our report had been written, handed in and thoroughly discussed at one of our home study meetings. Now we were out and about again... This time we were off to see some parents who had adopted a little girl a few years previously. </span></div>
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The drive from our suburban surroundings into the equivalent of our area's well heeled stockbroker belt saw the houses we drove past getting larger and larger. Eventually we pulled into a small, countrified cul de sac and knocked on one of the doors. We were ushered in and settled into the living room, admiring a large and well kept garden through the French windows. The obligatory cups of tea were made and we started our chat.</div>
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<a name='more'></a>Interpersonal chemistry is a strange and mercurial thing. In this case, however, we agreed that there wasn't really any... The atmosphere was as inert as a whole Periodic Table of Noble Gases. The couple were perfectly nice, polite, helpful, opinionated and so on but the whole thing felt from start to finish like the interview which it clearly was.</div>
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<a href="" name="more"></a>I didn't help that this couple's adoption journey seemed to be so very far removed from ours. The wife had known from her teenage years that infertility was very likely and so natural or assisted conception and childbirth hadn't ever been one of their options. Instead, after a short period of "just enjoying being a couple" they had started the process of adoption. But that was a process which had taken over ten years with numerous twists and turns, stops and starts. </div>
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To begin with they had signed up with one of the independent adoption agencies to move towards domestic adoption. However, after a year or so of pursuing that process they decided to pull out. A fallow period followed, after which they signed up with a different agency with a view to adopting from abroad from Eastern Europe. For all sorts of reasons this eventually came to naught and, unsurprisingly they decided to have a little time off from the whole adoption thing again. After another fallow year they were ready to re-embark on the adoption journey and applied to our local authority. </div>
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Eventually they were approved and matched with a sibling pair from another local authority somewhere across the country. This match fell apart during the introductions process as previously undisclosed information about the children started to come to light. Finally, a year or so later they adopted a little girl through the neighbouring county. Phew! That was a few years before and the placement had bedded down well, the legal paperwork having been completed a year after their daughter had arrived with them. So at least the circuitous story had a happy ending. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh19GL2qzrK2YvhoXK3vatnQ-lQ_WvY_yW8r2L85kvyh6E-wRE3yjXBuBERFCKzT4pkzm3M7szqvs2SboHZi9yA5sjjjsjatRpk7-8d4-UvTVUw0Mov3Snal4vA__GOmTsp27IXC9GKwUg/s1600/3146935-empty-playground-swings-in-a-row.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh19GL2qzrK2YvhoXK3vatnQ-lQ_WvY_yW8r2L85kvyh6E-wRE3yjXBuBERFCKzT4pkzm3M7szqvs2SboHZi9yA5sjjjsjatRpk7-8d4-UvTVUw0Mov3Snal4vA__GOmTsp27IXC9GKwUg/s320/3146935-empty-playground-swings-in-a-row.jpg" width="320" /></a>Given that history, what to ask? Well, we rapidly set aside the unusual twists and turns of their history and concentrated on their experience of linking, matching, introductions and life post placement. It was fascinating to hear the insights of people who had been through the entire process first hand. Several things struck us. They had been very careful with their daughter's Child Permanency Report, trying to look at the facts dispassionately... The lessons of their failed match had clearly weighed very heavily on them the second time around. They took this to the extent of covering all photos of the child in the report with Post-Its until they had largely come to a decision to proceed. They stated that they didn't want a big pair of blue eyes or a gap toothed smile staring out of a page swaying them before they had really considered they facts. This was to be a head decision first and then a heart decision second. </div>
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They spoke in detail about both their introductions periods, voicing strong opinions about the quality of the foster carers they had encountered. Having recently spoken in depth to a foster carer who was clearly deeply committed to therapeutic caring and securing the best long term outcome for their charge it was fascinating to contrast their experience of the less excellent end of the fostering spectrum. Of course it was biased reportage but if only a third of what they were saying was true it must have been very difficult for them.</div>
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The things which struck us most were the little things and the unexpected insights into their experience and their daughter's. Her foster carer had lived in a very small, urban flat with no garden and, for various reasons, rarely ventured out. When she arrived in her new surroundings with its large garden and rolling lawn for the first few weeks their daughter wouldn't venture beyond the French windows but would stand nervously staring out at this scary, wide open space. One almost insignificant detail but an insight into the scary unknowns which a two year old transitioning into a forever family must be grappling with in their heads, unable to adequately process or express. That the story (and so many others we have heard since) ended up with a happy ending was hugely encouraging.</div>
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One other thing particularly struck us about the discussion. Having been so circumspect about avoiding heart string tugging while reading the CPR they said how deeply affected they were by the "fly-by" visit with their soon to be child prior to matching panel. Our local authority and the neighbouring one are two of the small number who allow the prospective adopters to have some limited access to their matched child prior to intros and placement. These encounters are, of course, very closely controlled and they are something where the welfare of the child remains paramount. </div>
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For most the encounters are held somewhere neutral and there is little or no real contact between child and potential adopter. Most will not even be aware a "fly-by" has happened. For a very young child, a strange couple might turn up at the foster carers' house for a cuppa and a biscuit one day. An older child and their foster carer may be playing on the swings in a local park while a couple (and their social worker shaped escort) take a turn around the park. The child, of course, would be oblivious to the fact that these strangers were taking a closer interest in their time on the swings and slide than most. It all sounds a little sordid and our hosts agreed that they felt a little odd and grubby "hanging around the park watching children".</div>
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However also conceded that something happened on a very deep level while they watched the child playing and laughing. Emotionally they said they took complete ownership of the child while they were watching her play. She was their child, it was just that no one knew that yet. A chemistry thing happened within them. Completely intangible but nonetheless real and the first foundation of the relationship which they were to build with their soon to be child. Many poo poo this. On the prep course, the trainers said that some other authorities laugh at them for this strange practice. However, in their experience, they said, it does make a difference. Certainly, when we did our own fly-by visit a year or so later, something very special happened in our hearts too.</div>
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At the end of the evening we did the obligatory swapping of numbers and emails and had plenty to discuss on the way home. Despite being pretty sure that we wouldn't be hearing from this couple again it was a hugely valuable experience and one to be recommended to any prospective adopters.</div>
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Or next visit was rather more straightforward - a morning at a local, charity-run parent and toddlers group which provided a fortnightly opportunity for adoptive parents and foster carers to get together. It was interesting that our main recollection of the morning was just how "normal" all kids seemed. Far from the stereotype of "challenging" kids this was a pretty standard selection of one to four year olds. Sure, to the trained eye there may have been some aggressive or clingy behaviours which were a little way beyond the norm but mostly it was just a group of kids displaying pretty normal toddler characteristics. As we chatted to the parents and helpers there one comment kept coming back at us, "Yes, that's what everyone notices first when they visit here!"</div>
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AdoptionJourneyBloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08595687208169295883noreply@blogger.com4